celestemdavis-substack-com-8yexkb.txt (19856B)
1 [1] 2 Matriarchal Blessing 3 4 [2]Matriarchal Blessing 5 6 SubscribeSign in 7 8 Share this post 9 10 [8] 11 [https] 12 Matriarchal Blessing 13 Matriarchal Blessing 14 I'm a feminist and I think it's harder to be a man than a woman. 15 Copy link 16 Facebook 17 Email 18 Notes 19 More 20 21 I'm a feminist and I think it's harder to be a man than a woman. 22 23 Systemically women have it worse, but behaviorally, men are more limited. 24 25 [9] 26 [htt] 27 [10]Celeste Davis 28 Sep 15, 2024 29 881 30 31 Share this post 32 33 [12] 34 [https] 35 Matriarchal Blessing 36 Matriarchal Blessing 37 I'm a feminist and I think it's harder to be a man than a woman. 38 Copy link 39 Facebook 40 Email 41 Notes 42 More 43 [13] 44 155 45 201 46 [14] 47 Share 48 Article voiceover 49 1× 50 0:00 51 -9:44 52 Audio playback is not supported on your browser. Please upgrade. 53 54 When men say it is hard to be a man, I fully believe them. 55 56 I think it is very, very hard to be a man. 57 58 Perhaps since I write an essay about patriarchy each week, you may think I’m 59 saying that in a sarcastic voice “Oh it’s SOOoooOO hard to have society built 60 just for you[15]1 and have all the power in government, business and religion 61 for *checks watch* all of recorded history.[16]2 Boo hoo. Sad violins for you.” 62 63 But I’m not being sarcastic. 64 65 Very earnestly I believe that despite greater access to power and resources, 66 the box labeled “socially acceptable ways to be a man” is much smaller than the 67 box labeled “socially acceptable ways to be a woman.” 68 69 [17] 70 [https] 71 The masculine is at the top of the power hierarchy, but their behavior is more 72 limited. 73 74 Men’s behavior is limited to the masculine, but women have access to both 75 masculine and feminine behavior. 76 77 [18] 78 [https] 79 [19] 80 [https] 81 Women are not allowed to LOOK masculine, but they are often rewarded for ACTING 82 masculine- being strong and assertive, being one of the guys, favoring music, 83 books and media by men, ridiculing girly things, etc. 84 85 I’m going to paint with broad strokes here with obvious exceptions, but in 86 generalized terms of social acceptability: 87 88 • Women can be strong, but men can’t be weak. 89 90 • Women can wear blue, but men can’t wear pink. 91 92 • Girls can have boy names, but boys can’t have girl names. 93 94 • Women can be executives, but men can’t be homemakers. 95 96 • Girls can play basketball, but boys can’t do ballet. 97 98 • Women read books by men, but men don’t read books by women. 99 100 • Little girls can play with trucks and dinosaurs, but little boys can’t play 101 with dolls. 102 103 • Women can lift weights, but men don’t do pilates. 104 105 • Women can like action movies, but men can’t like chick flicks. 106 107 • Women can act tough and assertive, but men can’t act soft and submissive. 108 109 [20] 110 Strong Girl GIFs | Tenor 111 112 Women have access to the whole range of human behavior; men only have access to 113 the masculine.[21]3 114 115 (And yes, [22]blurring the gender binary makes everything better for everyone.) 116 117 Why is this? 118 119 Do you have a guess? I’ll give you a clue. Starts with a p. Rhymes with 120 schmatriarchy. 121 122 It is because with live in a system that values and rewards all things man. 123 124 Men have more power, but are more limited in how they can act. 125 126 Speaking on this predicament of [24]patriarchy harming men, 127 [25]Lane Anderson 128 recently quoted researcher Michael Kimmel who said, 129 130 “Men are in power as a group but do not feel power as individuals.. Men 131 were raised to believe themselves entitled to feel that power, but do not 132 feel it. No wonder men are frustrated and angry... 133 134 Failure to embody the rules of manhood is a source of men's confusion and 135 pain... it is unrealizable for any man. But we keep trying, vainly, to 136 measure up. American masculinity is a relentless test." 137 138 Thomas Page McBee speaks to this juxtaposition of men having more power but 139 less connection in his book [26]Amateur. 140 141 Thomas is a trans man. Since transitioning he has noticed that when he speaks, 142 everyone is quiet. No one interrupts him anymore. He says, “It was wonderful 143 and weird. Until I was a man, I had no idea how good men have it at work.” 144 145 [27] 146 amateur.jpg 147 148 But there are downsides. A year after his transition Thomas lost his mother. He 149 didn’t realize how much he needed human touch until it disappeared from his 150 life. No one hugged him anymore. He could go months without anyone touching 151 him. This was a foreign experience to Thomas. 152 153 He says he has become hyper aware of both how acceptable his anger is, and how 154 unacceptable his sadness is. The people in his life- men and women alike- are 155 visibly uncomfortable when he cries. 156 157 He misses the deep friendships that came easily as a woman. 158 159 It's hard to make friends when all the ingredients necessary to 160 friendship--vulnerability, compassion and thoughtfulness-- are seen as a threat 161 to masculinity. 162 163 [28] 164 Thomas Page McBee by Julie Greicius 165 Thomas Page Mcbee. [29]source 166 167 Recently 168 [30]15thCenturyFeminist 169 interviewed 170 [31]Jeremy Mohler 171 about his experience of performing masculinity. Of his teenage years he said, 172 173 “I couldn't admit that I wanted to be closer with my friends. That would 174 mean I was 'soft,' 'girly,' or 'gay.' I had to act stoic, like everything 175 was fine, even if I was starving for love and connection inside." 176 177 Jeremy and Thomas are far from the only men having trouble with connection. 178 Male loneliness is being called an epidemic. [32]Psychologist Nick Norman 179 describes the problem in this way: 180 181 "Men have often reported having fewer friends and social connections to 182 rely on, [33]with 15 percent saying they have no close friends at all. Yet, 183 when surveyed, men often report wanting more fulfilling relationships. What 184 is keeping men from these connections when it’s such a fundamental need?... 185 the issue lies in the unspoken rules men are handed in boyhood." 186 187 The unspoken rule #1? You are not allowed to act like a girl. 188 189 Unfortunately friendships, relationships and human connection require all sorts 190 of girly things like empathy, showing emotion, being vulnerable and active 191 listening. 192 193 Men report wanting more fulfilling relationships, but they have been barred 194 from the behaviors that fulfilling relationships require. 195 196 “Learning to wear a mask is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity a boy 197 learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not 198 conform to the acceptable behaviors sexism defines as male. Asked to give up 199 the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn 200 self-betrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder.” - bell 201 hooks [34]the will to change 202 203 If men are in charge like patriarchy says, why are men suffering so much? 204 205 Many take the fact that it is difficult to be a man to mean that patriarchy is 206 not real— 207 208 Men are the victims of society, so how could they be the instigators of their 209 own victimhood? It makes no sense. If men set this system up to favor men, 210 wouldn’t men be thriving? If patriarchy is real, why are men suffering? 211 212 Great question. I’m going to let the brilliant creator and thinker [36]Cyzor 213 [37]4 cover this one. 214 215 He received a message complete with two pages of documentation showing that men 216 are the real victims (more suicide, more likely to be victims of crime, more 217 likely to be charged “guilty” in court, etc) so all this whining about 218 patriarchy is bullshit. 219 220 Here is Cyzor’s response: 221 222 [38][https] 223 [39]@cyzorgg[40]Day 12 and the final day of reposting my top. videos of the 224 year. This is by far both my favorite video and one of the best performing that 225 I made this year and Im so glad everyone liked it and felt it was helpful and 226 useful for them in their own lives. In the next year I plan to expand and grow 227 as a content creator and try tons of new avenues, work with brands, and see 228 what works for me. but whatever I do, I'll continue to share my thoughts in 229 hopes they help others! I appreciate you all for the love and support this 230 year!! 231 [alert-circ]Tiktok failed to load. 232 233 Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser 234 235 236 “Men are more likely to die by homicide. Men are more likely to be victims 237 of crime. Men are also more likely to COMMIT all of those crimes. 72% of 238 crimes are done by men. Men are the victims of other men. 239 240 Men are discriminated in universities, that are run by men. Men are going 241 to jail longer in a justice system, that is run by men. Bro. You are mad at 242 the same structure that women are trying to get rid of. 243 244 If you are complaining about court policies, social expectations, crime- 245 bro - you are complaining about the patriarchy.” - Cyzor 246 247 Men suffer under patriarchy because patriarchy is a system set up by a few men 248 over everyone else- including most men. It is a system that allows for the most 249 greedy, aggressive and selfish to rise to the top and dominate over everyone 250 else. 251 252 DNA scientists have discovered that 8000 years ago on average [41]only one man 253 passed on his DNA for every 17 women. Not just in one place, but as a global 254 average. The majority of men were not procreating. Not because there was a mass 255 death of males, but because only a few men accumulated wealth, power and women 256 and withheld resources from the rest. 257 258 A small minority of men were allowed to rule and make life worse for everyone 259 else- men and women alike. 260 261 [42]And as we discussed last week with lawns, just because something 1. begins 262 for no reason and 2. harms everyone does not mean we won’t religiously devote 263 ourselves to that thing. 264 265 [43] 266 Ancient Egyptian Battles & Wars - Egypt Tours Portal (US) 267 So manly. 268 269 We often hear that patriarchy hurts men too, but how many men actually believe 270 this? 271 272 All too often, once the p word enters the chat, defenses are raised, 273 conversations are ended. 274 275 But Cyzor, no stranger to patriarchy pushback, also helped me to understand why 276 it is that [44]so many men shut down and become defensive when patriarchy is 277 brought up when he said, 278 279 “I criticize those aspects of masculinity that I don’t think are healthy 280 for men and if you’ve internalized those aspects of masculinity as being 281 part of you, it’s going to feel like I am criticizing you.” 282 283 Society trains men to put manhood at the very center of their identity. When we 284 talk about patriarchy, we talk about those things which men have built their 285 identities and lives around. Of course they are defensive. It feels like an 286 attack. 287 288 But we have to stop conflating patriarchy and men. 289 290 Our ability to have really important conversations relies on our ability to 291 make this distinction. 292 293 So often those of us who bring up patriarchy and those who shut it down are on 294 the same side. We want the same things. We want life to be better for men. 295 296 We must make room for the reality that we talk about patriarchy not because we 297 hate men. We talk about patriarchy because we love men. 298 299 We have/are sons, husbands, fathers, brothers, friends. And we see the small 300 box patriarchy has handed to men. 301 302 To #smashthepatriarchy is not to smash men- it is to smash this system that 303 makes men miserable. Smash the too-small box that is making men lonely and sick 304 and estranged from the full range of their humanity. 305 306 I’ll echo the [45]words of Cyzor to close us out today: 307 308 "I want men to succeed. I envision a world where men are allowed to 309 experience the full range of human emotion, where they are not shamed for 310 crying or being vulnerable, where they are not shamed if they are not 311 physically tall or strong or rich… where men can have real emotional 312 connection to one another, have a real support system with people who lift 313 them up and help them when they are down, where men aren't under the 314 impression that masculinity means experiencing the trials of life by 315 yourself." 316 317 Amen. 318 319 It IS hard to be a man. It is very hard. 320 321 It would be a whole lot easier without patriarchy. 322 323 [46]Leave a comment 324 325 [47]1 326 327 If you’re white 328 329 [48]2 330 331 If you’re white 332 333 [49]3 334 335 Yes there is some social stigma and repercussions for women acting masculine 336 (in the dating pool, at work), but not to the extent of the social punishment 337 for men acting feminine. 338 339 [50]4 340 341 [51]Follow him immediately. His videos are so healing. 342 343 Matriarchal Blessing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts 344 and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. 345 346 [62][ ] 347 Subscribe 348 Thanks for reading Matriarchal Blessing! This post is public so feel free to 349 share it. 350 351 [64]Share 352 353 881 354 355 Share this post 356 357 [66] 358 [https] 359 Matriarchal Blessing 360 Matriarchal Blessing 361 I'm a feminist and I think it's harder to be a man than a woman. 362 Copy link 363 Facebook 364 Email 365 Notes 366 More 367 [67] 368 155 369 201 370 [68] 371 Share 372 373 Discussion about this post 374 375 CommentsRestacks 376 [ht] 377 [ ] 378 [ ] 379 [ ] 380 [ ] 381 [72] 382 [ht] 383 [73]Arturo Mijangos 384 [74]Sep 15 385 Liked by Celeste Davis 386 387 This is why I continue to champion the dismantling of patriarchy. I will 388 showcase what accessing feminine traits looks like. I will continue to teach 389 how patriarchy impacts and limits men. I will continue to support lgbtq+ rights 390 who exemplify broader expressions of the gender spectrum. 391 392 Expand full comment 393 Reply 394 Share 395 [77]12 replies by Celeste Davis and others 396 [78] 397 [ht] 398 [79]Kimberley Healey 399 [80]Sep 15 400 Liked by Celeste Davis 401 402 Absolutely! Thanks for the tiktok repost - he nails it. When I taught Women's 403 Lit I brought in a bunch of my male colleagues to explain their experience with 404 masculinity. Football coach, older teachers, younger ones - we all changed that 405 day when they started sharing things they had NEVER told anyone. The 406 loneliness, lack of touch and constant pressure to PROVE they were actually men 407 were heartbreaking. It does suck to be a woman but I get to just be one, I 408 don't have to step up and BE a man in the same way that men have to do in the 409 US. One book that really helped me teach my course was For the Love of Men by 410 Liz Plank. Very curious to see the comments on this great essay! 411 412 Expand full comment 413 Reply 414 Share 415 [83]6 replies by Celeste Davis and others 416 [84]153 more comments... 417 TopLatestDiscussions 418 419 No posts 420 421 Ready for more? 422 423 [99][ ] 424 Subscribe 425 © 2025 Celeste Davis 426 [101]Privacy ∙ [102]Terms ∙ [103]Collection notice 427 [104] Start Writing[105]Get the app 428 [106]Substack is the home for great culture 429 430 Share 431 432 Copy link 433 Facebook 434 Email 435 Notes 436 More 437 This site requires JavaScript to run correctly. 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