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     42 
     43 The Kindness Of Familiar Faces
     44 
     45 [41][dre]
     46 By [42]Drew Magary
     47 
     48 12:59 PM EDT on March 10, 2026
     49 
     50   • [43]Share on Bluesky
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     54 
     55 Commuters waiting for a trainJustin Tallis / AFP
     56 [47]
     57 467Comments
     58 
     59 Time for your weekly edition of the Defector Funbag. Got something on your
     60 mind? [48]Email the Funbag. You can also read Drew over at [49]SFGATE, and [50]
     61 buy Drew’s books while [51]you’re at it. Today, we're talking brackets,
     62 bartenders, hot people with shitty taste, and more.
     63 
     64 Your letters:
     65 
     66 Chuck:
     67 
     68     I go to a gym on a regular weekday schedule, as do most of the people there
     69     at 5 a.m. One guy, who usually takes a shower right before me, has the best
     70     smelling body wash. Like, the entire shower smells great when he gets out.
     71     I've briefly talked to him before, but how weird is it for me to ask him
     72     what the name of it is?
     73 
     74 Can’t you just see what body wash he’s using without having to ask? If you see
     75 this guy at the gym every morning, surely you’ve seen him carrying his magical,
     76 cedarwood-scented bottle of Old Spice 2-in-1 on the way to/from washing up. If
     77 you haven’t, then why not just leap into his shower while he’s lathering up so
     78 that you can get a direct look?
     79 
     80 If you’d never seen this guy before in your life, I’d tell you to hold your
     81 tongue. Having a complete stranger be like You know, I’ve been smelling you
     82 isn’t just weird, but also strangely personal. But in Chuck’s case, we’re
     83 talking about another gym regular he’s already had small talk with. That counts
     84 as “knowing” the guy, even if barely. So I think it’s OK to broach the subject.
     85 You can say, “I know this sounds weird, but I have to know what kinda body wash
     86 you’re using. Mine doesn’t smell anywhere near that good, bro!” and have it
     87 work. Don’t ask him while you’re both IN the shower. That would be inopportune.
     88 But in the relative safety of the locker area? Feels safe to me.
     89 
     90 I haven’t belonged to a gym since the pandemic, and yet I still remember a lot
     91 of the regulars. Not only from that gym, but from the gym I belonged to before
     92 that. I remember all of the hot members of course, but it goes way past that. I
     93 remember a dude who looked and dressed exactly like a Sopranos extra, even
     94 though we were in suburban Maryland. I remember a dude with big mop of curly
     95 hair who always worked out with his glasses on. I remember this one squat lady
     96 who could deadlift like 225. I never held a conversation with any of these
     97 people. Not sure I even said a single word to them. But I saw them nearly every
     98 day, so they were familiar faces.
     99 
    100 It’s always good to have familiar faces passing in and out of your life. You
    101 graduate from school and all of the randos you used to see walking past you in
    102 the quad are replaced with a new set of randos in the office, at your gym, in
    103 your apartment building, and even at the grocery store. Even if you never speak
    104 to these people, you interact with them. You notice them. You hear them. You
    105 bump into them. You see them talking to someone else, and then you wonder about
    106 that other person. They might do likewise, and now there’s a loose tether
    107 connecting you both. It’s nothing you’ll think about for more than six seconds,
    108 but it’s still there.
    109 
    110 Now that I work from home and work out at home, my current portfolio of
    111 familiar faces is much lower than it should be. It’s only when I go out on my
    112 bike that I get my RDA of not-quite strangers: the one weirdo who seems to be
    113 running on the trail 24 hours a day, the old man who I know from experience
    114 won’t be able to hear my bike bell as I come from behind, many cute dogs. These
    115 are the people (and dogs) who keep you socialized, even if you never learn
    116 their names. Lose them and you lose one of your tethers to the rest of the
    117 world. Now I wish I belonged to a gym again. I bet I’d be using a
    118 better-smelling body wash right now if I did.
    119 
    120 Jeff:
    121 
    122     I’m recently 40, and I think I had my first true old man thought! Back in
    123     my day, there was at least some semblance of protest music in pop culture
    124     and music. My old ass doesn’t feel like that exists anymore! Are there
    125     actually pop musicians doing political/protest messages in the algorithm
    126     age?
    127 
    128 I made this same old-man lament in this column a few weeks ago … and also
    129 probably 78 other times over the past decade. Anyway, the chief culprit is that
    130 darn [52]capitalism, in the form of consolidation, monopolization, private
    131 equity, and David Zaslav’s taste in movies. But you know about all of that shit
    132 already, so let me pull out ever more and pin this on the existence of the
    133 internet. I’ve been on a tear reading oral histories of old music scenes: the
    134 early days at MTV, the '80s glam scene in Hollywood, the '90s grunge scene in
    135 Seattle. All of these scenes developed before the popular web, and that’s no
    136 coincidence.
    137 
    138 Let’s use Kurt Cobain as an example here. The topline I’m about to give you is
    139 WILDLY broad, so I apologize in advance. In the 1980s, Cobain was stuck in
    140 Aberdeen, Wash., with no real prospects and no place where he felt he belonged.
    141 So he packed up and went to Seattle, where he found a bunch of people who were
    142 weird in the same way that he was weird: broke as shit, nowhere to stay, drunk
    143 all the time, frequenting the same seedy music clubs every night because that’s
    144 where they knew everyone else would be. A lot of these people, like Cobain, had
    145 also migrated to Seattle. Some of them formed bands, and then formed different
    146 bands with people from other bands they knew. That loose collection of faces
    147 that were all in the same place, all for an extended period of time, and so a
    148 culture germinated out of it: flannel shirts, Jackass-grade DIY stage antics,
    149 and a form of music that wasn’t metal and wasn’t punk, but instead a ramshackle
    150 melding of the two. By the time the '80s had ended… HEY PRESTO! Here’s the
    151 grunge scene, ready to take over the world with Cobain’s Nirvana as the tip of
    152 the spear.
    153 
    154 None of that happens if the internet exists. Instead of fleeing to Seattle in
    155 search of a purpose in life, Kurt Cobain would’ve joined a subreddit that made
    156 living in Aberdeen three percent more bearable, he would have expressed his
    157 jadedness with society on Thought Catalog, and he would have uploaded rough
    158 demos to his SoundCloud as his attempt at making it in the biz. He wouldn’t
    159 have met any of the people who either inspired his music or directly made it
    160 with him. More important, the Seattle scene itself never would have
    161 materialized. The internet disincentivizes people young and old from going out
    162 into the world, from making necessary human connections, and from forging a
    163 collective artistic voice together. That’s why there’s never gonna be another
    164 Cobain. That’s why the most visible protest music in 2026 comes from the likes
    165 of [53]Bruce Springsteen and [54]U2: old rich white dudes who have nothing at
    166 stake.
    167 
    168 Kevin:
    169 
    170     Do you have methodology for picking your bracket? My family tradition is to
    171     always take Catholic schools. Some people go with mascots or team colors.
    172     What’s the Magary way?
    173 
    174 I used to have a whole setup for picking my men’s bracket. I’d pick up the
    175 print edition of USA Today, then sit down and pore over the team capsules like
    176 a homicide detective sifting through evidence. I valued guard play in the
    177 tourney (still do), so if I saw any highly seeded team that had at least two
    178 guards average double figures in scoring, I gave them a little star. Then I’d
    179 sit down with my bracket and begin carefully filling it out … until I fucked up
    180 a line and had to print out an entirely new, clean bracket to fill out. Then
    181 I’d pick a 12-seed to upset a 5-seed, thinking I was the only person alive who
    182 knew that at least one 12-seed always win an opening-round game. Then I’d fold
    183 up the bracket and keep it in my pocket all tourney long, checking off picks
    184 that advanced and X-ing picks that didn’t. Then, by the Elite Eight at the
    185 latest, I’d wad that bracket up and throw it out. I won my pool exactly one
    186 time, back in 1999. This is why Khalid El-Amin remains my favorite college
    187 basketball player in history.
    188 
    189 That was my methodology back then. Here’s my methodology today: I get a
    190 reminder to fill out my bracket days before the tourney starts, then I head
    191 over to ESPN’s Bracket Challenge Sponsored By Grok University, then I fill out
    192 my bracket in less than two minutes, basing my choices on a random mix of old
    193 prejudices and gut basketball knowledge, and then I forget who I picked until
    194 they lose in the first round two days later. If the NCAA ever tinkers with the
    195 68-team bracket anymore than they already have, I will accuse them of
    196 destroying my childhood.
    197 
    198 Drew (not me):
    199 
    200     In the year of our Lord 2026, is the average American more likely to fall
    201     in love with a bartender or a barista?
    202 
    203 Bartender. The answer is always bartender. If I’m dealing with a barista, it’s
    204 probably early in the morning and I’m probably cranky. Also, I’m probably
    205 standing in line at an airport. That’s no time to fall in love, not even in a
    206 romcom. Conversely, when do you encounter a bartender? That’s right: when
    207 you’re already drunk and already horny. Real horny, not birthday-party horny.
    208 Then some saucy gal in a knotted dress shirt behind the bar asks you what
    209 you’ll be havin’ and DAMN GIRL HOW BOUT I BE HAVIN’ THOSE DIGITS? I’ve never
    210 slept with a bartender, by the way.
    211 
    212 Other Drew failed to include “dispensary gal” in his question, but you better
    213 believe that every dirtbag guy living in the city has dealt with a cool
    214 (stoned) dispensary gal and thought (stoned) to himself, “I’m never buying weed
    215 anywhere else from now on. Elsie is the best of the best.” I’ve also never
    216 slept with a weed dispensary clerk.
    217 
    218 HALFTIME!
    219 
    220 Bryan:
    221 
    222     Imagine you found the perfect girl (or partner) for you in every way.
    223     Beautiful, thoughtful, kind, funny, all the things. However, she is
    224     OBSESSED with the show The Big Bang Theory. Like, would default to watching
    225     it when nothing was on, drop quotes, say "Bazinga" unironically, go to
    226     cons, run a fan website... could you make that relationship work for you?
    227 
    228 Bryan, come on now. You have to give me harder questions than this. I have
    229 never watched The Big Bang Theory, but no one is ever gonna be like, “Well I
    230 love Marisa Miller, but her fondness for Chuck Lorre shows is a bridge I simply
    231 can never gap.” Shit, you’re lucky in 2026 America if the person you’re fucking
    232 isn’t a Nazi. So yes, I think I could tolerate a dream girlfriend who likes
    233 that show. My wife has to deal with my football problem, and that’s
    234 exponentially more annoying. She’s also roped me into watching shit like early
    235 Grey’s Anatomy. At no point during any of those episodes was I like, “I have to
    236 leave this woman.” All couples have their differences, it doesn’t matter.
    237 
    238 RIP McSteamy while we’re here. He was my favorite character on Grey’s Anatomy
    239 by a mile.
    240 
    241 Ricky:
    242 
    243     If an NFL team was allowed to have the first 50 picks of the draft but no
    244     other players, do you think they would make the playoffs?
    245 
    246 The first year? No. After that, it depends on if they play in the NFC South or
    247 not.
    248 
    249 Jon:
    250 
    251     Heard that Metallica is getting set to do a residency at The Sphere in
    252     Vegas. I like Metallica but not a huge fan. I’ve never had a strong urge to
    253     see them live, but if a ticket for one of these shows fell into my lap I
    254     would definitely go purely for the spectacle. Is there any band or perform
    255     that you don't hate but would go and see purely for the experience? 
    256 
    257 Isn’t that basically how Taylor Swift was able to rake in billions for the Eras
    258 tour? I’ve yet to meet a single parent—they’re all parents—who went to an Eras
    259 show and thought they’d wasted their dough. And all of those people went as
    260 wingmen for actual Swift fans. So while I could give half a shit about Swift’s
    261 musical output, you better believe I would’ve hit that concert if someone had
    262 given me a comp. That woman, like [55]Metallica, knows how to put on a good
    263 show.
    264 
    265 Jon didn’t even mention the festival circuit in his question, and one of the
    266 fun things about hitting a festival is falling for acts you wouldn’t have
    267 thought twice about otherwise. And I’ve already attended plenty of concerts
    268 where I only had a casual interest in the performer: Meatloaf, Bad-era Michael
    269 Jackson, Cyndi Lauper. I had a good time in every instance. I check out opening
    270 acts too, just in case I end up being pleasantly surprised (and I have been).
    271 I’ll also go to a show if I have a history with the venue, a la 9:30 in D.C. If
    272 you live near a club-sized venue that you like, it’s always fun to go to a
    273 concert there even if you don’t know the act all that well. I resolved to go to
    274 more concerts a while back, but I haven’t done a good job sticking with the
    275 effort. Don’t be as lazy as me. You won’t never know what you’re missing
    276 otherwise.
    277 
    278 Still Jon:
    279 
    280     Side question: How tempted are you by these Metallica at The Sphere shows?
    281     James Dolan can get fucked with a broken hockey stick but from what I've
    282     seen concerts at The Sphere look pretty epic.
    283 
    284 Oh I’m gonna ask SFGATE to send me to that show on assignment. I love
    285 Metallica, and I think The Sphere is cool, even if the rest of the internet
    286 despises it. I expect a concert planetarium in Las Vegas to be tacky; I’d be
    287 pissed if it wasn’t. So don’t expect my review of that show to be a pan.
    288 
    289 Pete:
    290 
    291     I was making my daughter pancakes and noticed one of her reading
    292     comprehension tests. She’s in second grade, btw. She hurried through, just
    293     to be done and have time to relax. She picked up one of my worst habits. I
    294     still do this. What habit or trait of yours have your kids inherited,
    295     despite you trying to rectify it?
    296 
    297 That one, especially with our 13-year-old son. Like me, the boy rushes through
    298 his homework so that he never has to deal with it again (and also so he can
    299 front like the work was easy for him to do). But I’ve never tried to rectify
    300 that, because DNA is DNA. Also, he’s still doing his homework and getting good
    301 grades. It’d be one thing if he just bailed on ever turning his work in. That’d
    302 be his ass. But he does the work, and then his teacher tells him whether or not
    303 he did a sloppy-ass job with it. Just like my teacher told me back in the day.
    304 AWWWWWW.
    305 
    306 Josue:
    307 
    308     I was in the produce aisle of the supermarket recently, perusing the
    309     cucumber selection. When I had found the cucumber I wanted, I picked it up,
    310     and proceeded to do that little one-handed end-over-end flip and catch of
    311     the cucumber before putting it in my basket. When I happened to look back
    312     over to my right, I saw another guy pick up a cucumber and do the exact
    313     same thing. Then I realized that this is something that I like to do
    314     whenever I'm holding a vaguely cylindrical item in my hands: vegetables, my
    315     kid’s aluminum baseball bat, even hammers. The more top heavy and
    316     unbalanced the item, the more satisfying it is to successfully pull it off.
    317     Anyways, what's up with that?
    318 
    319 I do the cucumber flip too! Vegetables can be really sensuous, don’t you think?
    320 I do all of that playdate shit. I stand a baseball bat on my palm and see how
    321 long I can keep it balanced. I twirl my stick lighter like it’s a six-shooter.
    322 I use a paper towel roll as an air sword. It’s fun, and if being fun is weird,
    323 well then call me Pee-wee Herman.
    324 
    325 J:
    326 
    327     I have a friend who I haven’t talked to in over two years. I recently
    328     applied for a job with the company he works for (though in a different
    329     department). Do I reach out to him, or does that make it look like I view
    330     our relationship as purely transactional?
    331 
    332 Fuck yeah, you reach out to him. It’s a jungle out there, man. You need to use
    333 whatever connections you got to keep your head above water. Your old friend
    334 knows that. Everyone knows that. So if you reach out to him, he’s not gonna be
    335 like, “All this time, J was just using me to get an associate brand manager
    336 position.” He’s gonna help. It doesn’t matter if you haven‘t spoken in two
    337 years. Two years ain’t shit. I have friends I haven’t talked to in 10 years,
    338 and I still wouldn’t think twice about hitting them up for something. And if
    339 they reached out to me, I’d help them. That’s how the white-collar job market
    340 has always worked. It’s also how the white-collar criminal sector has always
    341 worked, but you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few antitrust laws.
    342 
    343 Not Michael:
    344 
    345     Do you think you could have performed better than Leonard Lawrence, aka
    346     Private Gomer Pyle, during the Marine boot camp in Full Metal Jacket? I
    347     like to think I would be one of the guys beating him with a soap sock. But
    348     deep down, I have a feeling I probably would have been him in that
    349     scenario.
    350 
    351 I would have been both. I got bullied in school, and I bullied other kids.
    352 Stick me in the Marines and I’d be a schlub huffing and puffing his way through
    353 the obstacle course, but then I’d still try to fit in with the platoon by
    354 beating on any other recruit who was as lazy and out of shape as I was.
    355 Frankly, this describes my entire football playing career.
    356 
    357 Side note: I spent the bulk of my pregaming days getting drunk/high and then
    358 watching the first 45 minutes of Full Metal Jacket. I’ve only watched the
    359 second half of that film one time, and I remember pretty much nothing of it.
    360 
    361 Michael:
    362 
    363     If you were the soldier that found Saddam hiding in his hole would you have
    364     used the opportunity to say something really badass in front of all your
    365     other soldier buddies? I feel like it would be a missed opportunity not to.
    366 
    367 That’s why we started bombing Iran just now. It wasn’t for any kind of valuable
    368 strategic purpose (in fact, the U.S. [56]has kind of fucked itself by kicking
    369 up this war). It was so that camera hogs like Pete Hegseth could get off [57]
    370 saucy one-liners after blowing up a school. All of these shitheads want to play
    371 the '80s action hero. Hence, you and I get World War III dropped into our laps.
    372 It’s not the best way to run a government.
    373 
    374 Back to Michael’s question. Let’s say I’m the guy who finds Saddam Hussein in
    375 his spiderhole during the Iraq War, or I’m the SEAL who puts a bullet in Osama
    376 bin Laden’s dome. Do I throw down a killer line right after I’ve seized my
    377 quarry? No, because I’d be in a state of shock. I reckon that going into combat
    378 is like being in a permanent state of shock. You don’t talk. You don’t even
    379 think. You just move. All of your faculties are put toward the purpose of
    380 survival, and nothing else. I’m not gonna suddenly snap out of my fog in that
    381 moment and be like, “Feelin’ comfy down there, Saddam?” Only a sociopath would
    382 have that ability. Good thing our military is positively littered with such men
    383 at the present moment. We even put one sociopath in charge of them all! Neato!
    384 
    385 Email of the week!
    386 
    387 Aaron:
    388 
    389     My Grandma is from a small town in Colorado and she has this tiger painting
    390     that I love. I've been on a mission to find out who painted it, as it’s
    391     only signed "J.K. 1910". She also has this incredible two-volume book of
    392     micro biographies of nearly everyone buried in her town cemetery. So I read
    393     the biography of every "JK" in the book—unfortunately, none were artists,
    394     mostly just miners who died in snow slides or of black lung—and the tale of
    395     Christmas Tree John was by far my favorite. 
    396 
    397     KUIVILA, JOHN "CHRISTMAS TREE" – Died 1939
    398 
    399     No Marker - Died Dec 30, 1939 - Age 55 Years "Christmas Tree", who lived at
    400     the Kentucky House, died of miners con at the San Juan Hospital as the year
    401     of 1939 was coming to an end. He was born in Finland and had come to
    402     Silverton about ten years previously from Rico, Colorado. He had also
    403     worked at mines in Telluride and every other town in this section of the
    404     country.
    405 
    406     In 1986, Annie Anesi Smith of Silverton recalled that "Christmas Tree"
    407     earned his interesting nickname in a Telluride barroom brawl. It was the
    408     Christmas season and the saloon keeper had thoughtfully provided a
    409     decorated Christmas tree for the enjoyment of his patrons. John was getting
    410     the worst end of a fist fight, and seeing the Christmas tree, picked it up,
    411     decorations and all, and smacked the other fellow with it, knocking him out
    412     cold. Annie also recalled that John was a tough "pure Finn", a real nice
    413     man and used to baby sit for Annie's sister, Mary Anesi Dalpra. Survivors
    414     of "Christmas Tree" were his mother and a sister in Finland. His funeral
    415     was at the Maguire Chapel and burial was at Hillside.
    416 
    417 Oh man I’d love to assault someone with a Christmas tree.
    418 
    419 Recommended
    420 
    421 [58]Funbag
    422 [59]
    423 
    424 What’s The Riskiest Thing You’ve Survived Eating?
    425 
    426 [60]375Comments
    427 [61]Dave McKenna
    428 March 31, 2026
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    430 [63]Subscribe to skip adsAdvertisement
    431 
    432 A referral from a trusted source is the #1 way that people find new things to
    433 read. So if you liked this blog, please share it! 
    434 
    435   • [64]Share on Bluesky
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    439 
    440 [68][dre]
    441 [69]Drew Magary
    442 [70]@drewmagary.bsky.social
    443 
    444 Columnist. Author of many [71]fine works of literature, including Point B.
    445 Handsomest man in the world.
    446 
    447 Read More:
    448 
    449   • [72]brackets,
    450   • [73]gym etiquette,
    451   • [74]Music
    452 
    453 Stay in touch
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    613 [48] mailto:[email protected]
    614 [49] https://www.sfgate.com/author/drew-magary/
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