openheartproject-com-qgxuup.txt (30680B)
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I get 33 angrier and angrier at myself, curse my lack of discipline, shame myself for 34 watching Battlestar Galactica (again) instead of writing, delve into my 35 psychology hoping to unearth the seeds of self-sabotage. It spirals out of 36 control until I either give in to lying on the couch or somehow manage to 37 squeeze out a day of discipline according to schedule, whereupon I exhale a 38 half-sigh of relief and immediately begin bullying myself to repeat this 39 tomorrow. 40 41 IT SUCKS. 42 43 Yesterday, I finally realized that this method would never, ever work. I was 44 shocked. But it never, ever has. I’ve been after myself on this score for, 45 what, like ten years? Had it ever worked once in that time, I asked myself. No! 46 I said immediately. 47 48 Now what? 49 50 I knew I had to give up trying to be disciplined in any conventional sense. And 51 since the definition of suffering is trying the same thing over and over 52 expecting a different result, I had to put myself out of my misery. 53 54 Right away, interestingly, fear swept through me. If I’m not vigilant about 55 making myself do stuff, I won’t do anything. And my commitment to meditate is 56 critical on every level. I mean, I’m a meditation teacher who writes books 57 about Buddhism. Shame if I turned out to be a phoney. And every writing book on 58 earth says you must work at the same time every day, or words will never come. 59 “Inspiration is for amateurs,” says painter Chuck Close. “The rest of us just 60 show up and get to work…” I want to be like Chuck! There has to be another path 61 to spiritual and creative discipline…what could it be? 62 63 The answer I came up with? Pleasure. Pleasure! The last thing I usually think 64 of when planning my day. Once I get all my work out of the way, maybe I can do 65 something fun or satisfying or just cuz. I never do stuff just to have fun. 66 Never. I am so not built like that. However…among the most pleasurable things 67 in my life are the things I’m committed to doing: spiritual practice and 68 writing. I love those things! I remembered that they make me happy. Maybe I 69 could just jump into them for their own sake, for the joy of doing them rather 70 than the obligation and it’s possible the whole thing would roll out just fine. 71 Once I remembered that my motivation is rooted in genuine curiosity and that my 72 tasks are in complete alignment with who I am and want to be, my office 73 suddenly seemed like a playground rather than a labor camp. 74 75 So I didn’t schedule myself at all. Instead, I asked myself: what do I feel 76 like doing? What would be fun for me? Write? OK. What is fun about writing? Oh, 77 it’s so cool when it just starts to flow and plus I really enjoy thinking about 78 things like dharma and love and creativity simply for the sake of doing so. So 79 start there. When you’re done, ask yourself what would be fun to do next. 80 81 Which I did. And you know what? I did all the things I yell at myself to do. My 82 day looked pretty much exactly like my days do when I succeed in being 83 “disciplined.” Only this time, it seemed effortless. I had such a light heart. 84 85 So, yes, discipline is critical, just like all the teachers say. And there is 86 definitely stuff that needs doing that is just never going to be fun like 87 paying bills and cleaning the cat box. But I suggest that instead of being 88 disciplined about hating on yourself to get things done, try being disciplined 89 about remaining close to what brings you joy. It takes a lot of courage, 90 actually. See what happens. Let me know. 91 92 categorized in: [20]Uncategorized 93 94 38 Comments 95 96 • [ba8c5] Posted by: [21]Maribeth 97 August 20, 2010 at 6:55 pm 98 99 Susan, you brought tears to my eyes. I struggle with the same thing. I will 100 take your advice and focus my discipline on what brings me joy. Terrifying, 101 but I will surely try! ♥ 102 103 [22]Reply 104 • [ea0ca] Posted by: Alane 105 August 20, 2010 at 7:13 pm 106 107 susan, i’ve been struggling with the same thing for the longest time too! 108 since the weather has been so great out here in NJ, this summer i’ve taken 109 the opportunity to follow my heart’s desire & let my routines go. yes, i’ve 110 had fun, i’ve been relaxed but it seems like at a price. i will try & 111 follow your lead to enjoy w/o the baggage of guilt! 112 113 [23]Reply 114 • [f2ed5] Posted by: [24]Betsy Jackson 115 August 20, 2010 at 7:44 pm 116 117 After spending a day being fairly mean to myself; mowing, weeding, anything 118 to keep my ass in gear…”God forbid, I sit this one out and relax under the 119 trees and listen to the hawks and write and enjoy a kid-free/old Dad-free 120 day”…anyway, I have you bookmarked and thought, let me see what Susan’s 121 been up to…bingo! Thanks for being in the world. I love your writing. And 122 your big heart. 123 124 [25]Reply 125 • [7fd06] Posted by: [26]Marianne 126 August 21, 2010 at 5:20 pm 127 128 This is exactly my approach to my yoga practice and it’s the heart of the 129 30 days of yoga (which I often think I should subtitle “A Kinder Approach 130 to a Home Practice of Yoga”) 131 132 So happy for you! I always say “follow your enthusiasm, follow your joy”, 133 and it never fails to lead me to the places where I am of most service. And 134 behold, as a wiser one than me once said, service was joy. 135 136 [27]Reply 137 □ [4173b] Posted by: [28]Ryan 138 May 22, 2023 at 1:16 am 139 140 Marianne, your story is so freakily similar to my own. After struggling 141 with this through my entire 20s and half of my 30s, I finally realized 142 the source of all my angst. I called my problem “Sunday Night Dread” 143 and ended up making a website about it ([29]https:// 144 sundaynightdread.com). Anyway, I had to just post and say, “Good for 145 you!”. It’s amazing what we can get done when we’re kind to ourselves. 146 147 [30]Reply 148 • [bacfa] Posted by: [31]Jennifer Louden 149 August 23, 2010 at 7:18 pm 150 151 I know, I know, I am off line for the month and yet, I saw your blog title 152 when I had to go on line to get this fax number for the mortgage company 153 and reading your post was like YES THAT IS WHAT I TELL everybody else. That 154 is exactly the question that brings the MOST relief and breakthroughs at my 155 retreats… and on my own personal retreats… so glad to see I am use you to 156 help me remember to ask myself what I use for everyone else. Self-trust and 157 wanting what you want, baby! Sing it! 158 159 [32]Reply 160 • [32b61] Posted by: Betsy Hanger 161 August 23, 2010 at 10:41 pm 162 163 REMARKABLE. I’ve been working with this a great deal, especially since an 164 epic dream presented to me just how much I beat myself up for not being 165 Exactly Right at all times. I found you by going through a link to Stephen 166 Mitchell….such are the yellowbrick roads we can follow. With much metta! 167 168 [33]Reply 169 • [9a38b] Posted by: [34]Victoria Dzenis 170 August 24, 2010 at 12:39 pm 171 172 Thank you so much for this post! I read it at just the right time — when I 173 was pondering the question, “how can I give myself permission to invite 174 what inspires me?” I am seeing now how it’s not about permission or 175 approval, but just about remembering why I LOVE what I do. Thank you!!! 176 177 [35]Reply 178 • [35baa] Posted by: [36]Brett Dupree 179 August 24, 2010 at 11:24 pm 180 181 That is what I have been working on as well. Working on really enjoying my 182 life and taking pleasure in it. Then acting out of that pleasure of 183 enjoying my life. It is very fun work. 🙂 184 185 [37]Reply 186 • [30256] Posted by: [38]Matthias 187 August 25, 2010 at 12:26 pm 188 189 After years of procrastinating and lack of motivation to do the good things 190 in my life that I want and need to do, I have recently had loads of success 191 with a system of rewards. I have labeled some tasks as little milestones, 192 some as big milestones, and some as complete project. Each time I hit 193 something on this list, I get a reward based on how significant an 194 achievement it is. Completing a project earns me a big reward, completing a 195 little milestone means something smaller. It is working great! 196 197 [39]Reply 198 • [5aecb] Posted by: [40]Sue Mitchell 199 August 25, 2010 at 2:03 pm 200 201 Excellent post! I so relate to the rebellion I feel when I’m doing 202 something because I “should,” even if it’s something I want to do. Focusing 203 on the joy rather than the practical benefits of a task changes the whole 204 feeling of it. 205 206 If even the joy of it won’t motivate me, I like the mind trick of saying, 207 “I’m not actually going to do yoga. I’m just going to get out my mat,” or 208 “I’m just going to write a title and then worry about the rest later.” For 209 me, so much of the trouble comes in just getting started. 210 211 [41]Reply 212 • [438af] Posted by: Jessica Rampton 213 August 25, 2010 at 2:35 pm 214 215 Wow! I have experienced the same phenomena and been near the same insight, 216 thank you for the post . I am also just throwing up my hands, and out my to 217 do list, and just asking myself “what do you WANT to do right now?” 218 219 [42]Reply 220 • [7abfa] Posted by: Rob 221 August 25, 2010 at 8:22 pm 222 223 I kept beating myself up. The yard was a mess, the driveway full of weeds 224 and my cousin was coming for dinner. I’d been looking at the ever growing 225 tide of green circling the house knowing it needed to be done, but just not 226 doing it. 227 Alright, go weed. As i began weeding it became a sort of simple pleasure. 228 Yes, the desire to clean up the yard was still present but watching each 229 green stem come out of the earth became so satisfying. I loved gently 230 pulling and voilà, the root let go of the earth and came away in my hand. 231 2 hours later and the place looked grand, my back was sore but ok and I 232 felt so good. The time was ripe for weeding so I weeded! 233 234 Where has it come from, this self-loathing? Even weirder is it seems to 235 effect friends and family who are the most grounded and truly seeking peace 236 and joy in their lives. Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone and how silly 237 it is to continue raging against meself! 238 239 [43]Reply 240 • [wishl] Posted by: [44]Susan 241 August 26, 2010 at 10:21 am 242 243 Wow, thanks so much to all of you who came out to take a look at all the 244 ways we beat ourselves up for not being productive or perfect or maxing out 245 every second, or however you term it. Rob, your question about where does 246 self-loathing come from is so, so good. Where indeed?! I bet that you and 247 the others who have commented are seen as accomplished and dedicated 248 people. 249 250 And thanks to everyone who made such good suggestions (like Sue’s 251 just-take-the-first-step method and Matthias’ reward structure) because I 252 know they’ll be helpful to others. 253 254 I also feel quite heartened myself to know that I’m not alone in this. In 255 the days since I wrote this post, I’ve been playing with the “work for the 256 joy of it” model rather than “work to prove you’re not a loser” method. 257 I’ve had some ups and downs, but most what I notice is that to stay with 258 the joy method, I have to remain close to my own heart, to what I love. To 259 stay with the “prove you’re not a loser” system, I have to remain close to 260 how I think I might appear in the eyes of others. I forget my own heart. 261 262 So, a mantra to begin the day and repeat throughout: Joy is to be found by 263 remaining seated within myself. From this point, I can reach out to others 264 with genuineness. 265 266 [45]Reply 267 □ [5eba0] Posted by: Francesca 268 August 2, 2023 at 10:50 pm 269 270 I have some observations towards Robs (and all of our) questions of 271 where self-loathing comes from. In the process of raising my tamarind, 272 children, I notice it starts to creep in around the age of 10/11 coming 273 from peers at school, broader family members, any humans who are 274 trapped in the capitalist ‘productivity’ and ‘scarcity’ mindset. It’s 275 so sad to observe, and I also have to hope that the first ten years of 276 pure self-love have sown seeds that will remain forever blooming in 277 them ❤️ 278 279 [46]Reply 280 ☆ [1198a] Posted by: Geoff 281 November 8, 2023 at 2:28 am 282 283 The problem with me is that when I ask ‘what would bring me joy 284 now?’ the honest answer is to do something useless so I still have 285 to rely on my inner sergeant to persuade me to do something joyful 286 but useful. But he’s a kinder sergeant now, thanks to you. 287 288 [47]Reply 289 • [cd75d] Posted by: [48]Ceci Miller 290 August 27, 2010 at 3:27 pm 291 292 Yes! Self-improvement is only the other side of the self-loathing coin, so 293 it can’t buy us anything better. Weird how we don’t see this, but there it 294 is. Love how you point out that appreciation “works” so much better than 295 criticism. I’ll bet anybody who’s ever gotten a child absorbed in cleaning 296 his/her room by introducing it as a fun sorting game would agree. Joy and 297 genuineness and taking back your time. Now there’s a cool game 🙂 298 299 [49]Reply 300 • [aed93] Posted by: [50]Jessica 301 August 30, 2010 at 7:36 pm 302 303 Hello Susan, 304 305 I just have to say I have had the exact experience with trying to schedule 306 my activities. This year I made a goal to not do that, and instead of the 307 creative flow being squashed, it has flourished. It’s scary to let go of 308 schedules and I still sometimes grasp to them. But when I manage to let go 309 of them, creativity seems to want to take over. Peace to you! 310 311 [51]Reply 312 • [30be4] Posted by: [52]Anna 313 August 31, 2010 at 9:50 pm 314 315 I just love this! I think I find myself writing a new “plan” for my days 316 about, oh, every 2 weeks. I always get really excited it–like yes! this 317 time I have a foolproof plan! Turns out only the fool part of it was right. 318 319 Your post was a definitely a light-bulb moment for me. Enjoying my life? 320 Enjoying a job I worked years to finally get and do really love when I’m 321 not totally bogged down? That might just be crazy enough to work. 322 323 Thanks for this! 324 325 [53]Reply 326 □ [23d58] Posted by: [54]gerry 327 September 25, 2016 at 4:27 am 328 329 Oh Anna those lists and schedules! My notebook is full of them and I 330 never learn. I love writing I’ve been writing for 50+ years but I still 331 act to myself as if it’s something I have to force down my throat and 332 so of course I rebel. Not doing that. You can’t make me. 333 So my love Susan for this post and for all the comments. We are hunan. 334 This is what we do. Aren’t we a funny old lot? 335 336 [55]Reply 337 • [dcaf2] Posted by: Breton Caplan 338 September 2, 2010 at 3:25 pm 339 340 Hi Susan.This posting is so perfect… I’m at Kripalu for a weeklong retreat. 341 Loving every moment and made a commitment as I walked in the door to only 342 do what I want to do and only timed as I feel compelled. Usually I’d plan 343 back to back during a retreat and make sure I don’t miss a thing. I’m 344 blessed with not having that pressure right now. I’m journaling when I want 345 to, sunbathing and reading (I do have SPF) when others are taking walks or 346 doing group activities and I am not missing a thing. I’ve walked past 347 classes and said “My body doesn’t feel like that right now” and respected 348 it. And I’m fitting in a lot of activity…. Primarily time alone in my own 349 head. Grateful. 350 Thank you for the post. And hope you are well. 351 352 [56]Reply 353 • [824c9] Posted by: [57]Edward Mirza 354 September 25, 2016 at 5:10 am 355 356 Hi, I have found, in a way, the opposite to be true, but with a difference. 357 Yes, in the past I would try to make schedules, but get depressed, but when 358 I agreed with a friend to send him a report of my time use at the end of 359 the day, I found the schedule life-changing and liberating. I believe this 360 schedule, however, should be a work of art, and ultimately aimed to be 361 something you enjoy. 362 363 [58]Reply 364 • [eb32f] Posted by: Anne 365 September 25, 2016 at 11:01 am 366 367 I love this post (referenced in a UK newspaper article this weekend). I 368 totally agree. But how does it work for the jobs I loathe and which cause 369 the most angst because they don’t get done ? Eg cleaning the kitchen floor, 370 doing my finances and paperwork, defrosting the freezer – there’s always a 371 reason not to do those and I’ll never WANT to! My hunch is that the answer 372 lies in noticing how I feel if I continue to resist doing them – that 373 sticky, crunchy floor, the continuous background nag of anxiety because I 374 don’t know exactly where I am with my finances, being unable to close the 375 freezer door and having to deal with it immediately – in the end, NOT doing 376 the most-hated jobs causes more stress and unhappiness than getting them 377 out of the way. So it’s mindfulness – noticing when something is bothering 378 me, and happiness will be increased by not avoiding it any longer. 379 380 [59]Reply 381 • [4645b] Posted by: Soneye Saheed 382 July 29, 2020 at 11:32 am 383 384 Thanks Susan for this amazing article. 385 386 I have also been beating myself up for not doing the things I want/need to 387 do (And I still am at the time of writing this). 388 389 It is quite easy to make a decision to do certain things, but once the 390 moment is over, everything goes away with it. Inspiration is so overrated. 391 392 I will take your advice and try to focus more on the joy that comes along 393 with doing the tasks. I will also try to reward myself for completing any 394 of them. 395 396 Thanks once again. 397 398 [60]Reply 399 □ [wishl] Posted by: Susan Piver 400 July 29, 2020 at 1:28 pm 401 402 So glad you found it useful. Wishing you all the luck and skill!!!! 403 404 [61]Reply 405 • [2459c] Posted by: Sha 406 September 7, 2020 at 3:51 am 407 408 i just read this post as a link from a Guardian article sept 2020 409 Really relate to it and tend to live this way!!! 410 411 [62]Reply 412 □ [wishl] Posted by: Susan Piver 413 September 7, 2020 at 3:16 pm 414 415 Go for it! 416 417 [63]Reply 418 • [d058e] Posted by: Fiona Redshaw 419 September 22, 2020 at 7:59 am 420 421 Oh this is so cool! Just read an article that a friend forwarded me 422 recently from the Guardian and there was a mention of you and a link to 423 this post in there 💫. Apart from being super excited to see you mentioned, 424 I loved your post from all those years ago (2010, what?!). What a timely 425 reminder to ease up on my to-do list that still somehow acts as a constant 426 yardstick for my productivity and self worth (or generally lack thereof). 427 This article reminded me why I love you so much! Thanks Susan. Fiona x 428 429 [64]Reply 430 □ [wishl] Posted by: Susan Piver 431 September 28, 2020 at 8:32 am 432 433 Love you too!! Miss you!! xo S 434 435 [65]Reply 436 • [3a459] Posted by: Diana Ruth Nichols 437 May 16, 2021 at 5:39 am 438 439 Same regarding Guardian article, here. Delighted to realize that in 440 retirement and my 74th year, I am happy and relaxed and centered because of 441 this experience of “enjoying happiness”. 442 443 [66]Reply 444 • [5347b] Posted by: Susan Williams 445 June 27, 2022 at 3:52 pm 446 447 OMG!!! You are me!! And I am you!! And my name is Susan too!! Everything 448 you said in this post describes me TO A T!!! Thank you! Thank you! Thank 449 you! for sharing. Now I don’t feel so alone. I can stop scolding myself for 450 not “doing” and enjoy the journey. 451 452 [67]Reply 453 • [440cf] Posted by: RationalistFiath 454 May 20, 2023 at 12:02 am 455 456 In a Western led world that has been built on oppression and (fake)wars, 457 it’s not a surprise that it has trickled down to the individuals and how 458 they treat themselves. 459 460 Allah Bless you for snapping out of it and sharing the power of empathy. 461 462 [68]Reply 463 • [eb32f] Posted by: Anne 464 November 8, 2023 at 3:23 am 465 466 I had exactly this epiphany a few months ago. I got so tired and frustrated 467 with my endless failure to keep to schedules or complete tasks that one day 468 – I just gave up. Now, as you say, I just do what I feel like doing. And it 469 all gets done. Even the housework and life admin. Because there’s always a 470 moment when I find I have the energy for the less appealing tasks. Energy 471 that comes from more time spent on what I love. 472 473 [69]Reply 474 • [f058b] Posted by: Barbara Korzeniowska 475 January 14, 2024 at 11:49 am 476 477 I too am a natural procrastinator, but I try to enjoy everything I do – 478 even cleaning the cooker, which is my absolute bete noire. You are so right 479 – things go so much better when you’re having fun. years ago I learnt to 480 love queuing. i would take a book or some embroidery and catch up on one or 481 the other when standing in line. Brilliant 482 483 [70]Reply 484 485 Leave a Reply [71]Cancel reply 486 487 Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked * 488 489 [ ] 490 [ ] 491 [ ] 492 [ ] 493 [ ] 494 [ ] 495 [ ] 496 Comment * [ ] 497 498 Name * [73][ ] 499 500 Email * [74][ ] 501 502 Website [75][ ] 503 504 [76][ ] Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. 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