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     36 
     37 10 Thoughts From the Fourth Trimester
     38 
     39 May 23, 2023 By Tim Urban
     40 
     41 
     42 Back in February, I wrote a [31]post about my upcoming [32]book that included a
     43 [33]big visual of the timeline. Just two weeks after the book launch, my first
     44 baby would be born. I’d promote the book, catch my breath, and then begin the
     45 new adventure.
     46 
     47 Thank god for those critical two weeks.
     48 
     49 The night before book launch was (obviously) a frantic all-nighter, and I
     50 eventually went to bed after 40 hours awake, exhausted and satisfied. We had
     51 done it. The book was live. It was over. I’d actually wake up tomorrow without
     52 this project hanging over my head. The sky would be blue. I’d finally be free.
     53 
     54 I woke up close to noon and felt at peace for three seconds before opening my
     55 phone and seeing three texts from my wife:
     56 
     57 [34][01_water-broke]
     58 
     59 Hm?
     60 
     61 I knew what water breaking was. But I didn’t know what it meant. Is the baby
     62 coming out now? Or was this one of the false alarms I had heard about and the
     63 baby is still a couple weeks away? Is there a chance she just peed her pants
     64 and is misdiagnosing the situation?
     65 
     66 After some rapid-fire googling, one thing was clear: We had to go to the
     67 hospital. Now.
     68 
     69 The drive was weird. I had pictured myself heroically driving a screaming
     70 labor-having wife to the hospital, but here I was driving normally to the
     71 hospital with a very normal wife next to me. Apart from her new leaking
     72 situation, nothing was different than it was yesterday. There was no way we
     73 were actually having a baby today. Right?
     74 
     75 Upon arrival, the PA assessed things and yes her water had broken, and yes in
     76 order to avoid infection that meant the baby had to come out now. Two hours and
     77 12 canceled book-promoting podcasts later, we’re in our delivery room, where my
     78 still-not-in-labor wife would supposedly be producing a baby sometime later
     79 today.
     80 
     81 Again, there was a major expectations-reality gap. I had pictured the day of my
     82 first child’s birth being impossibly frenetic and emotional and intense. But
     83 there we were, eating animal crackers and gummies from the
     84 treats-you-can-eat-while-in-labor bag, hanging out and chatting like any other
     85 day.
     86 
     87 My wife was hooked up to a bunch of tubes and machines and the plan was to see
     88 if contractions would start on their own as a reaction to her water breaking,
     89 but a few hours passed and nothing happened. Eventually, the nurse came in and
     90 poured a magical little chemical called Pitocin into her IV bag.
     91 
     92 And things started happening.
     93 
     94 Contractions began, which my wife described as “a really bad period cramp,”
     95 which helped me understand what they felt like 0%. Over the next couple hours
     96 they got worse and worse. I was quickly assigned the role of “don’t say or do
     97 anything” while contractions were happening, so I’d just kind of sit there
     98 awkwardly and watch with this face on:
     99 
    100 [02_em]
    101 
    102 Her epidural plan was something like “definitely get one but tough it out a
    103 little first,” and after a particularly awful contraction, she called it a day
    104 and the epidural team came in to do their thing. 45 minutes later, we’re back
    105 in the “I know this is the day of the birth of our first child but it sure
    106 doesn’t feel like it” zone, chatting and hanging out normally. After a few more
    107 hours, a nurse came in and checked on the dilation situation and was like
    108 “alright, let’s do this!”
    109 
    110 Once again, nothing like I pictured. I thought there would be a big team of
    111 doctors and nurses doing a whole big hectic thing and I’d be standing somewhere
    112 on the side. Instead, it was me and this nurse, each holding a leg.
    113 
    114 [35][03_birth-1]
    115 
    116 The game went like this: When a contraction starts, we each grab a leg and she
    117 pushes really hard for 10 seconds three times in a row. Then everyone chills
    118 and hangs out for a few minutes until the next contraction. And repeat.
    119 
    120 After a few rounds of this, it was clear this was not gonna work. Nothing was
    121 coming out. But we kept trying anyway.
    122 
    123 And then I saw it.
    124 
    125 The edge of an upsetting slimy pancake.
    126 
    127 [36][04_birth-2]
    128 
    129 When I asked what the upsetting slimy pancake edge was, the nurse told me it
    130 was my daughter.
    131 
    132 Uh huh.
    133 
    134 This then went on for a while. We’d do a round of pushing, the upsetting
    135 pancake thing would come out a centimeter and then go back in, and each round
    136 it would come out a few more millimeters. It was increasingly feeling like we
    137 really weren’t getting anywhere with this strategy when the nurse suddenly says
    138 “okay let’s deliver a baby!”
    139 
    140 She makes a call and a few minutes later a group of people come in, including
    141 the first doctor we had seen that day. The next contraction came along, I
    142 leg-held, my wife pushed, and then in the most surreal moment of my life, I was
    143 staring at a tiny screaming alien.
    144 
    145 [37][05_birth-3]
    146 
    147 ___________
    148 
    149 That was 3 months ago. I’ve had a lot of thoughts since then. Here are 10 of
    150 them:
    151 
    152 1) A newborn is not a baby
    153 
    154 I thought it was gonna be like this:
    155 
    156 [38][06_fetus-baby-1]
    157 
    158 But it’s actually like this:
    159 
    160 [39][07_fetus-baby-2]
    161 
    162 A newborn is not a baby. Babies are cute and roly-poly and can see and are
    163 conscious and are normal and a newborn is not any of these things. It is a
    164 bizarre human larva that [40]acts super weird and would still be in the womb if
    165 it could be. The problem is, when humans went bipedal, our pelvises got
    166 smaller, and as humans got smarter, our heads got bigger. So evolution had to
    167 get creative. Its solution: all human babies would be premies, born when they
    168 were still small enough to pass through a human pelvis. The last couple months
    169 as a fetus would happen outside the womb, and everyone would just have to deal
    170 with that. This became incredibly obvious during the first month with my
    171 daughter. She was a raw human id not remotely ready for primetime. Thankfully,
    172 since then, a baby has grown around the id and now she has the figure of a
    173 miniature 390-pound 84-year-old woman.[41]1
    174 
    175 2) It is insane that there’s not some required training for new-parents-to-be
    176 
    177 If I want to drive a car, I have to take driver’s ed first. If I want to
    178 provide medical advice, I have to go to med school first. But after we had the
    179 baby, the hospital was like “don’t shake it k bye.”
    180 
    181 I know a lot of words I didn’t used to know. Meconium. Tummy time. Latching.
    182 Bicycling. Swaddle. Colostrum. I know how many ounces of milk and hours of
    183 sleep the baby is supposed to have each day. I know baby CPR and the baby
    184 Heimlich maneuver. I know how to induce baby burps and shits. I know how warmly
    185 to dress a baby. I know what temperature baby bathwater should be. I know what
    186 sleep training is and when it’s okay to start it. I know that you can’t just
    187 pick a newborn up, you have to pick all the pieces up at the same time or else
    188 the pieces fall off.
    189 
    190 [08_pieces]
    191 
    192 But I only know all of these things because I read books and articles and am
    193 fortunate to have people I can call with questions. And society’s current plan
    194 is to just expect/hope that every new parent does the same?? There should
    195 obviously be like a mandatory four-hour course every expecting parent has to
    196 take before they’re actually in charge of a newborn.
    197 
    198 Instead, people like to say things like “you’ll figure it out” and “just use
    199 your instincts.” You could apply the same logic to driving and people probably
    200 would just figure it out—but we don’t do it that way, because that would be
    201 absurd.
    202 
    203 3) Babies have giant heads*
    204 
    205 [42][09_heads-v2]
    206 
    207 *I made this visual thinking it was gonna emphasize how big baby heads are, but
    208 after looking at the big-headed guy on the right for a while, it started to
    209 look normal to me, and the normal-headed guy suddenly looked like he had a
    210 ridiculously small head. So now I’m realizing that the big takeaway is that
    211 baby heads are normal and the rest of our heads are tiny.
    212 
    213 4) Babies are incredibly overdramatic
    214 
    215 When a normal person is hungry, or tired, or needs to burp, they’re a little
    216 annoyed. Babies are in Shakespearean agony. And then comes the burp and one
    217 second later they’re like “sup.” It’s insane behavior.
    218 
    219 For a while, the range of baby emotion runs from Shakespearean agony to
    220 neutral, never entering the positive realm. Neutral is a newborn’s best-case
    221 scenario.
    222 
    223 [43][10_agony]
    224 
    225 After six weeks or so, positive emotion begins to make an appearance, but then
    226 they still go apoplectic at the slightest inconvenience.[44]2
    227 
    228 While we’re here, I know it’s bad but I can’t help it—crying babies are funny.
    229 My wife completely disagrees with me on this.
    230 
    231 [45][11_little-man]
    232 
    233 5) The parent-newborn relationship is super one-sided
    234 
    235 [46][12_one-sided]
    236 
    237 It’s weird—you have all of these intense feelings for this little person* and
    238 there’s just nothing to do with those feelings. I could squish her face, but
    239 then she’d cry and I’d be abusing a baby. In the early weeks, there’s just not
    240 really a satisfying outlet for your baby fondness and it’s annoying.
    241 
    242 One other one-sided thing is you’re apparently supposed to talk to your newborn
    243 even though they’re an unconscious fetus because it supposedly helps develop
    244 their brain. So now my baby has heard multiple versions of my next book
    245 outline, the full story of the rise and fall of the Assyrian Empire after I
    246 listened to a podcast about it, and a list of every World Series champion going
    247 back to 1990. Never once has the baby shown any sign of being affected by any
    248 of this.
    249 
    250 *That said, I’ve always thought of parental love as the most intense form of
    251 love—the kind where if you had a Sophie’s choice where your baby and spouse
    252 were both hanging off a cliff and you could only save one, you’d save the baby
    253 without a second thought. And…yeah I’m not there yet. I love this little
    254 creature a freakish amount, but as of now, I’m definitely saving my wife in
    255 that situation. Sorry kiddo. I’m sure Tim the Baby-Saver-Wife-Dropper will at
    256 some point emerge, but I guess it takes some time.
    257 
    258 6) Babies shit all over your schedule
    259 
    260 Obvious one, I know, but just check this out:[47]1 [48][13_sleep-graph-1] [49]
    261 [14_sleep-graph-2] [50][15_sleep-graph-3-750x242]
    262 
    263 These are the sleep graphs of three different babies, but they all have one
    264 thing in common: there’s no rhyme or reason in the early months, because
    265 newborns are dicks.
    266 
    267 7) It’s mathematically impossible to know if your baby is cute or not
    268 
    269 I think my baby is impossibly adorable, of course, but every parent thinks that
    270 about their baby, so that offers no information. Everyone who has met her or
    271 seen a picture of her has commented on how cute she is, but they’d say that no
    272 matter what she looked like—which I know as someone who has commented on the
    273 cuteness of babies ranging from perfect to hideous—so there’s no information
    274 there either. FYI, I once depicted what happens when friends visit someone with
    275 an uncute baby:
    276 
    277 [51][16] [52][16] [53][16] [54][16] [55][16]
    278 
    279 8) I’m a motor skills virtuoso
    280 
    281 It’s pretty amazing how bad babies are at everything. They’re terrible at
    282 thinking, at knowing anything, at moving all parts of their body. The cool
    283 thing is that spending time with a super unimpressive baby has made me super
    284 impressed by myself. Like I’ll watch the baby sitting in a [56]baby bouncer
    285 trying to reach for a little wooden flower one foot in front of her and she
    286 just flings her arm in the general direction and misses by a lot. Then I’ll
    287 reach for a glass of water and all of my joints work together to send my hand
    288 on a perfectly straight path through three-dimensional space, gracefully clasp
    289 my fingers around it using the perfect amount of pressure, raise it to my
    290 mouth, tilt it in perfect sync with the movement of my lips, and then return
    291 the glass to the table and gently place it down like an absolute genius.
    292 
    293 9) You don’t go from a non-parent to a parent overnight
    294 
    295 Some things are just too big for our little human brains to fully absorb. The
    296 bigness of the universe. The permanence of death. The magnitude of the [57]
    297 marriage decision, which I [58]once described like this:
    298 
    299 When you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your
    300 parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children, your
    301 eating companion for about 20,000 meals, your travel companion for about 100
    302 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement friend, your career
    303 therapist, and someone whose day you’ll hear about 18,000 times. Intense shit.
    304 
    305 A few months into fatherhood, this feels like another item in that category.
    306 When your baby is born, you will (hopefully) never live another day as a
    307 non-parent. For people who make the decision to do this, it is the BC-AD line
    308 of their life. It doesn’t mean you can’t still be you, but you are trading in
    309 one kind of life for another, with all of the pros and cons that come along
    310 with it.
    311 
    312 I don’t think I’ve been able to quite wrap my head around the bigness of the
    313 situation. A curious childless friend asked me the other day if I feel like a
    314 dad, and I surprised myself by answering “not really.” I mostly feel like old
    315 me that has this new delightful little thing living in my house. When I see
    316 friends with sentient kids actually parenting them, saying things like “that’s
    317 not nice, stop it,” whatever that must be like is as much of a mystery to me as
    318 it was three months ago. For me at least, it seems like a parent is something
    319 you slowly turn into as your first baby slowly turns into a person.
    320 
    321 Btw I’m now even more convinced than I was before that this is the most
    322 personal of personal decisions and no one should ever try to pressure anyone
    323 else to have kids—it’s way too big a thing to be anyone else’s business.
    324 
    325 10) Having a baby really makes you think about the future
    326 
    327 Every parent in history has brought their baby into a world with an uncertain
    328 future. But our future is the uncertainest. My baby might live a life a lot
    329 like mine, just a little more futuristic. Or she might live to 500. She might
    330 live most of her life with a [59]brain-machine interface implanted in her head,
    331 thinking with her own superintelligent AI. She might suffer through
    332 civilizational collapse. She might live in a world that would seem like utopia
    333 to us today. She might live on Mars. She might meet aliens. She might die in
    334 the apocalypse. There’s just no way to know. It makes all of those fun,
    335 exciting, terrifying conversations about the future hit just a little harder.
    336 
    337 [60][17_stars]
    338 
    339 _______
    340 
    341 If you like Wait But Why, sign up for our [61]email list and we’ll send you new
    342 posts when they come out.
    343 
    344 To support Wait But Why, visit our [62]Patreon page.
    345 
    346 _______
    347 
    348 More thoughts with comics:
    349 [63]10 Types of Odd Friendships You’re Probably Part Of
    350 [64]The Great Perils of Social Interaction
    351 [65]11 Awkward Things About Email
    352 
    353 If you can’t decide whether to marry your significant other: [66]The Marriage
    354 Decision: Everything Forever or Nothing Ever Again
    355 
    356 If you’re hearing everyone talk about AI and would like an overview: [67]The AI
    357 Revolution: The Road to Superintelligence
    358 
    359 ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
    360 
    361  1. One thing I kept thinking during the first few weeks: it’s really weird
    362     that Einstein and Hitler and Shaq and Plato and Queen Elizabeth were all
    363     wiggly, flailing little aliens at one point.[68]↩
    364 
    365  2. Speaking of which, companies that make onesies that snap instead of zipper
    366     should be sent to the gulag.[69]↩
    367 
    368 ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━
    369 
    370  1. Sources: [70]Graph 1, [71]Graph 2, [72]Graph 3[73]↩
    371 
    372 [74]Tweet
    373 [75][pinit_fg_e]
    374 Tim Urban
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    376 About Tim Urban
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