www-theatlantic-com-jyxibm.txt (15503B)
1 [1]Skip to content 2 3 Site Navigation 4 5 • [2] 6 • 7 [5]Popular[6]Latest[7]Newsletters 8 9 Sections 10 11 □ [8]Politics 12 □ [9]Ideas 13 □ [10]Fiction 14 □ [11]Technology 15 □ [12]Science 16 □ [13]Photo 17 □ [14]Business 18 □ [15]Culture 19 □ [16]Planet 20 □ [17]Global 21 □ [18]Books 22 □ [19]Podcasts 23 □ [20]Health 24 □ [21]Education 25 □ [22]Projects 26 □ [23]Features 27 □ [24]Family 28 □ [25]Events 29 □ [26]Washington Week 30 □ [27]Progress 31 □ [28]Newsletters 32 □ [29][nav-arch]Explore The Atlantic Archive 33 □ [30][crosswor]Play The Atlantic crossword 34 35 The Print Edition 36 37 [31][current-issue] 38 [32]Latest Issue[33]Past Issues 39 ━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ 40 [34]Give a Gift 41 • 42 Search The Atlantic 43 [37][ ] 44 Quick Links 45 □ [38]Dear Therapist 46 Dear Therapist 47 □ [39]Crossword Puzzle 48 Crossword Puzzle 49 □ [40]Magazine Archive 50 Magazine Archive 51 □ [41]Your Subscription 52 Your Subscription 53 • [43]Popular 54 • [44]Latest 55 • [45]Newsletters 56 57 [46][47] 58 59 • [48]Sign In 60 • [49]Subscribe 61 62 [50]More From How to Build a Life 63 64 More From How to Build a Life 65 66 [51]Explore This Series 67 68 • [52]An illustration showing a man examining five pillars of happiness. 69 70 Jung’s Five Pillars of a Good Life 71 72 [53]Arthur C. Brooks 73 • [54]An illustration of a father fishing with his son 74 75 The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids 76 77 [55]Arthur C. Brooks 78 • [56]A group of people waiting in line 79 80 How Not to Be Bored When You Have to Wait 81 82 [57]Arthur C. Brooks 83 • [58]A person sitting on their own at the end of a "string telephone" 84 85 Whatever You Do, Don’t Do the Silent Treatment 86 87 [59]Arthur C. Brooks 88 89 [60]Ideas 90 91 The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids 92 93 The research shows that you probably have less effect on your kids than you 94 think—with one major exception: Your love will make them happy. 95 96 97 By [61]Arthur C. Brooks 98 An illustration of a father fishing with his son 99 Illustration by Jan Buchczik 100 April 4, 2024 101 Share 102 Save 103 104 Want to stay current with Arthur’s writing? [64]Sign up to get an email every 105 time a new column comes out. 106 107 When one of my now-adult kids was in middle school, I had a small epiphany 108 about parenting. I had been haranguing him constantly about his homework and 109 grades, which were indeed a problem. One night, after an especially bad day, I 110 was taking stock of the situation, and came to a realization: I didn’t actually 111 care very much about his grades. What I wanted was for him to grow up to become 112 a responsible, ethical, faithful, well-adjusted man. From that day forward, I 113 stopped talking about his grades and started talking about values. It was a 114 relief for both of us. 115 116 But then I got to wondering: If bugging him about grades didn’t change 117 anything, why would talking about values make a difference? Did it really 118 matter what I said about anything? 119 120 If you have children—or plan to have them—you probably share my concerns. 121 According to a survey last year by the [65]Pew Research Center, the No. 1 122 desire of parents for their children (which 94 percent of those surveyed say is 123 extremely or very important) is that their kids turn out to be honest and 124 ethical. Meanwhile, the No. 1 worry (which 76 percent of parents said was 125 extremely-to-somewhat worrisome) is that their kids might struggle with 126 depression or anxiety. In short, we want them above all to be good and happy 127 people. 128 129 But just wanting these things isn’t enough. How do we achieve these goals? This 130 question is at least as ancient as human civilization. Should we talk about 131 these things with our children a lot, or not? Be strict with them, or lax? Or 132 perhaps everything is genetics anyway, so maybe we should just hope and pray 133 for the best. Fortunately, recent research has offered ways to help answer some 134 of these difficult questions—and make us better parents. 135 136 [66]Arthur C. Brooks: The happy art of grandparenting 137 138 A foundational question about raising children revolves around nature versus 139 nurture: how much of a child’s development is due to their genes rather than 140 their upbringing. When I was a child, nurture theories had the upper hand. The 141 common belief was that kids are a blank slate, or are nearly so, and that 142 parenting is what really matters to mold who they will become as adults. 143 Latterly, however, this view has been turned upside down, after study upon 144 study has shown that a huge amount of personality is biological and inherited. 145 For example, one 1996 study involving 123 pairs of identical twins (who share 146 100 percent of their genes) and 127 pairs of fraternal twins (who, like any 147 other pair of siblings, share about 50 percent)[67] estimated that 41 percent 148 of neuroticism may be inherited, as well as 53 percent of extroversion, 61 149 percent of openness to experience, 41 percent of agreeableness, and 44 percent 150 of conscientiousness. 151 152 You might be thinking that parenting may make up the other half or so, but 153 that’s not seemingly the case. Researchers in 2021 examined over time the 154 correlation between the personality traits of progeny and parenting measures, 155 and [68]found that, in most aspects, parenting mattered about as much as birth 156 order—which is to say, its effect was little to none. 157 158 The exceptions were in two dimensions of personality: conscientiousness and 159 agreeableness. Children were more conscientious when parents were more involved 160 in their lives and worked to provide cultural stimulation (such as taking them 161 to museums); and children were more agreeable when their parents raised them 162 with more structure and goals. 163 164 Genetics also matter a great deal for children’s happiness. One study of 165 fraternal and identical twins found that the genetic component discernible from 166 analyzing the subjects’ various self-reported ratings of personality traits and 167 life satisfaction was about [69]31 percent. In contrast with the possibly 168 limited influence of parenting style on most personality traits, however, 169 parental behavior does appear to significantly affect the roughly half of 170 children’s happiness that may not be genetically determined. Specifically, one 171 factor—parental warmth and affection, with slightly more weight to that of 172 fathers—has been [70]shown to make up about a third of “psychological 173 adjustment” differences in their children, a holistic measure that includes 174 markers of happiness. 175 176 Parenting involves both words and actions. Even if parents like to say to their 177 children, usually with little effect, “Do what I say,” most parents come to 178 notice that kids pay attention to everything their parents do, rather than what 179 they say. And research backs up the idea that actions speak louder than words. 180 For example, a 2001 study of parental religiosity among Catholics found that 181 the behavior of a father (even more than the mother) who acts upon faith and is 182 practicing will most [71]affect the likelihood of his children growing up to be 183 religious as well. Similarly, an investigation of substance use among 184 adolescents [72]discovered that among those who had tried alcohol, tobacco, or 185 other drugs, 80 percent said their parents would say they disapproved of their 186 teenager’s behavior, but 100 percent did not say explicitly that their parents 187 abstained from substances—suggesting that these children likely had at least 188 one parent who used them to a lesser or greater extent. 189 190 [73]Listen: The right choices in parenting 191 192 This tour through the research provides a set of parenting rules to act 193 upon—one that I could very much have used when my kids were little. Better late 194 than never, and I can still try to follow these rules now that I am a [74] 195 grandfather. Try them out and see if they make parenting easier and better for 196 you. If your goal is virtue and happiness for your kids, keep these three 197 things in mind. 198 199 1. Even a hot mess can be a good parent. 200 It is easy to despair at being a parent—or to give yourself a pass—if you 201 struggle with your own happiness or with a troublesome personality. I have 202 heard many young adults say they’re afraid to have kids because they don’t want 203 to pass on their own problems. True, much of your personality is transmitted to 204 your offspring without your volition. As noted above, you may not be able to do 205 much about their degree of extroversion, which seems largely a genetic given. 206 But when it comes to conscientiousness and agreeableness (which, again, are 207 what we really want for our children), parenting choices to be involved in 208 their lives, and provide structure and goals, make a significant difference. 209 And parenting does have a huge impact on their happiness. 210 211 2. When you don’t know what to do, be warm and loving. 212 For happiness, the parenting technique that truly matters is warmth and 213 affection. As my wife used to say when we were at wit’s end with our son, “I 214 guess we should just love him.” This might sound like a hippie recipe for 215 disaster, but it isn’t. Your kids don’t need a drill sergeant, Santa Claus, or 216 a helicopter mom; they need someone who loves them unconditionally, and shows 217 it even when the brats deserve it the least. Especially when they’re at their 218 most brattish. Remember: That is what they will remember and give to your 219 grandchildren (who will never be brats) when they themselves become parents. 220 221 3. Be the person you want your kids to become. 222 The data don’t lie, but as parents we do. Kids—who are walking 223 BS-detectors—always notice when we say one thing and do another. Of course, 224 deciding how to act to create the right example for them to follow isn’t always 225 easy. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how you’d like your son or 226 daughter to behave as an adult in a given situation—and then do that yourself. 227 When you’re driving and get cut off in traffic, you would like it not to bother 228 them—so don’t let them see it bothering you. You would prefer they don’t get 229 drunk, so don’t drink too much yourself. You’d like them to be generous to 230 others, so be generous too. 231 232 [75]Arthur C. Brooks: Don’t teach your kids to fear the world 233 234 For young and future parents reading this, one last note: You will make a lot 235 of mistakes, but mostly they won’t matter. I can think of my selfishness and 236 blunders as a father, and on some sleepless nights the instances roll around in 237 my head and fill me with regret. But then I look at my son. So how did all my 238 hectoring about grades and values work out? 239 240 He [76]skipped college and joined the U.S. Marine Corps, in which he spent four 241 years as a mortarman and sniper. Now 23, he is happily married and works in a 242 job he loves as a manager at a construction company. He won’t see this column 243 because, well, he doesn’t have time to read my stuff. But he loves me and I 244 love him; we talk every single day; and despite all of my missteps, he turned 245 out just fine. And most likely, so will your child. 246 247 248 Arthur Brooks is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and the host of the How 249 to Build a Happy Life podcast. 250 251 252 References: 253 254 [1] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/#main-content 255 [2] https://www.theatlantic.com/ 256 [5] https://www.theatlantic.com/most-popular/ 257 [6] https://www.theatlantic.com/latest/ 258 [7] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/ 259 [8] https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/ 260 [9] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/ 261 [10] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/fiction/ 262 [11] https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/ 263 [12] https://www.theatlantic.com/science/ 264 [13] https://www.theatlantic.com/photo/ 265 [14] https://www.theatlantic.com/business/ 266 [15] https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/ 267 [16] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/planet/ 268 [17] https://www.theatlantic.com/international/ 269 [18] https://www.theatlantic.com/books/ 270 [19] https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/ 271 [20] https://www.theatlantic.com/health/ 272 [21] https://www.theatlantic.com/education/ 273 [22] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/ 274 [23] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/features/ 275 [24] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/ 276 [25] https://www.theatlantic.com/events/ 277 [26] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/washington-week-atlantic/ 278 [27] https://www.theatlantic.com/progress/ 279 [28] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/ 280 [29] https://www.theatlantic.com/archive/ 281 [30] https://www.theatlantic.com/free-daily-crossword-puzzle/ 282 [31] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/ 283 [32] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/ 284 [33] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/backissues/ 285 [34] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/products/gift 286 [38] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/dear-therapist/ 287 [39] https://www.theatlantic.com/free-daily-crossword-puzzle/ 288 [40] https://www.theatlantic.com/archive/ 289 [41] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/accounts/subscription/ 290 [43] https://www.theatlantic.com/most-popular/ 291 [44] https://www.theatlantic.com/latest/ 292 [45] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/ 293 [46] https://www.theatlantic.com/ 294 [47] https://www.theatlantic.com/ 295 [48] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/login/ 296 [49] https://www.theatlantic.com/subscribe/navbar/ 297 [50] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/how-build-life/ 298 [51] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/how-build-life/ 299 [52] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/carl-jung-pillars-life-happiness/678009/ 300 [53] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ 301 [54] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/ 302 [55] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ 303 [56] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/waiting-boredom-frustration-strategies/677767/ 304 [57] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ 305 [58] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/silent-treatment-ostracism-pain-relationships/677746/ 306 [59] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ 307 [60] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/ 308 [61] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ 309 [64] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/sign-up/how-to-build-a-life/ 310 [65] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/ 311 [66] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/06/happiness-grandparenting-family-parenthood/674470/ 312 [67] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8776880/#:~:text=Broad%20genetic%20influence%20on%20the,genetic%20influence%20was%20largely%20nonadditive 313 [68] https://online.ucpress.edu/collabra/article/7/1/29766/118998/Longitudinal-Associations-Between-Parenting-and 314 [69] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6098054/ 315 [70] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-012-9579-z/tables/3 316 [71] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00380237.2001.10571190 317 [72] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15267431.2014.945699?scroll=top&needAccess=true 318 [73] https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2022/11/parenting-howto-happiness-arthurbrooks/672009/ 319 [74] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/06/happiness-grandparenting-family-parenthood/674470/ 320 [75] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/09/the-best-way-to-teach-kids-about-danger/671310/ 321 [76] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/07/will-going-college-make-you-happier/613729/