diff --git a/content/journal/dispatch-15-may-2024/index.md b/content/journal/dispatch-15-may-2024/index.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..2cc1257 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/journal/dispatch-15-may-2024/index.md @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ +--- +title: "Dispatch #15 (May 2024)" +date: 2024-04-17T16:38:58-04:00 +draft: false +tags: +- dispatch +references: +- title: "The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids - The Atlantic" + url: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/ + date: 2024-04-17T20:38:00Z + file: www-theatlantic-com-jyxibm.txt +- title: "Opinion | Parents Can Counter the World’s Cruelty With Joy - The New York Times" + url: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/16/opinion/parenting-mistakes-joy.html + date: 2024-04-17T20:41:40Z + file: www-nytimes-com-kh2ijc.txt +--- + +Some thoughts here... + + + +This month: + +* Adventure: +* Project: +* Skill: + +Reading: + +* Fiction: [_Title_][1], Author +* Non-fiction: [_Title_][2], Author + +[1]: https://bookshop.org/ +[2]: https://bookshop.org/ + +Links: + +* [Title][3] +* [Title][4] +* [Title][5] + +[3]: https://example.com/ +[4]: https://example.com/ +[5]: https://example.com/ diff --git a/static/archive/www-nytimes-com-kh2ijc.txt b/static/archive/www-nytimes-com-kh2ijc.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..388b3c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/static/archive/www-nytimes-com-kh2ijc.txt @@ -0,0 +1,175 @@ +[1]Skip to content[2]Skip to site index +[3] +  +[4]Today’s Paper +[5]Opinion|One Thing Parents Can Control +[6][7] +https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/16/opinion/parenting-mistakes-joy.html + + • Share full article + • + • + • [11]277 + + • U.S. + • World + • Business + • Arts + • Lifestyle + • Opinion + • Audio + • Games + • Cooking + • Wirecutter + • The Athletic + +Advertisement + +[23]SKIP ADVERTISEMENT +You have a preview view of this article while we are checking your access. When +we have confirmed access, the full article content will load. +[24] +Opinion + +Supported by + +[25]SKIP ADVERTISEMENT + +One Thing Parents Can Control + +April 16, 2024 +An illustration that shows a silhouette of a parent holding a child’s hand. +there are two-dimentional butterflies flying around them. +Credit...Gabriel Zimmer Studio + + • Share full article + • + • + • [29]277 + +[30]Esau McCaulley + +By [31]Esau McCaulley + +Contributing Opinion Writer + +My father was a long-haul truck driver. He piloted one of those +eighteen-wheelers that had a horn that could raise the dead. As a kid I longed +to join him on his journeys and discover something of the world beyond +Huntsville, Ala., where we lived. + +Despite his numerous promises, he never took me along. That failure, and the +addictions of his that defined much of my childhood, gave me an education of a +different sort. I learned that the world could be cruel and disappointing. + +Now that I am a father, I struggle with how much of that hard world to reveal +to my sons and daughters. I recognize the privilege in even considering this. +Parents of children in Gaza and Ukraine do not have the luxury of deciding +whether to tell their young ones of evils done and all the good left undone. +Bombs descending from above indifferent to the innocence of youth have become +their instructors. + +I believe that we all have a moral duty not to turn away from such suffering. +During dinner my family and I have talked and prayed about war, poverty, racism +and injustice. My hope is that if we instill a sense of empathy in our +children, they might create a better world than the one we have made. + +It is not just the global upheaval that gives me pause. It is my own mistakes. +Not one of us escapes those high-pressure early years of parenthood unscathed. +There are always words that we wish that we could unsay, decisions made that we +would reconsider if time ran backward. What unfulfilled promise will haunt my +children? What will they have to forgive? + +Childhood memories rush upon us awakened by a smell or a song or certain times +of year. The scent of fried chicken takes me back to my grandmother’s house. I +can almost hear the crunch it made when I took a bite. Every time I pass an +eighteen-wheeler on the Interstate, I remember my father. Fall reminds me of +the anxiety I felt when I knew that I had to go back to school without any new +outfits or shoes, hoping I wouldn’t be mocked. I am 44 years old, and I still +remember the hard thumps in my chest. + +We are having trouble retrieving the article content. + +Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings. + +━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━ + +Thank you for your patience while we verify access. 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Brooks + • [54]An illustration of a father fishing with his son + + The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids + + [55]Arthur C. Brooks + • [56]A group of people waiting in line + + How Not to Be Bored When You Have to Wait + + [57]Arthur C. Brooks + • [58]A person sitting on their own at the end of a "string telephone" + + Whatever You Do, Don’t Do the Silent Treatment + + [59]Arthur C. Brooks + +[60]Ideas + +The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids + +The research shows that you probably have less effect on your kids than you +think—with one major exception: Your love will make them happy. + + +By [61]Arthur C. Brooks +An illustration of a father fishing with his son +Illustration by Jan Buchczik +April 4, 2024 +Share +Save + +Want to stay current with Arthur’s writing? [64]Sign up to get an email every +time a new column comes out. + +When one of my now-adult kids was in middle school, I had a small epiphany +about parenting. I had been haranguing him constantly about his homework and +grades, which were indeed a problem. One night, after an especially bad day, I +was taking stock of the situation, and came to a realization: I didn’t actually +care very much about his grades. What I wanted was for him to grow up to become +a responsible, ethical, faithful, well-adjusted man. From that day forward, I +stopped talking about his grades and started talking about values. It was a +relief for both of us. + +But then I got to wondering: If bugging him about grades didn’t change +anything, why would talking about values make a difference? Did it really +matter what I said about anything? + +If you have children—or plan to have them—you probably share my concerns. +According to a survey last year by the [65]Pew Research Center, the No. 1 +desire of parents for their children (which 94 percent of those surveyed say is +extremely or very important) is that their kids turn out to be honest and +ethical. Meanwhile, the No. 1 worry (which 76 percent of parents said was +extremely-to-somewhat worrisome) is that their kids might struggle with +depression or anxiety. In short, we want them above all to be good and happy +people. + +But just wanting these things isn’t enough. How do we achieve these goals? This +question is at least as ancient as human civilization. Should we talk about +these things with our children a lot, or not? Be strict with them, or lax? Or +perhaps everything is genetics anyway, so maybe we should just hope and pray +for the best. Fortunately, recent research has offered ways to help answer some +of these difficult questions—and make us better parents. + +[66]Arthur C. Brooks: The happy art of grandparenting + +A foundational question about raising children revolves around nature versus +nurture: how much of a child’s development is due to their genes rather than +their upbringing. When I was a child, nurture theories had the upper hand. The +common belief was that kids are a blank slate, or are nearly so, and that +parenting is what really matters to mold who they will become as adults. +Latterly, however, this view has been turned upside down, after study upon +study has shown that a huge amount of personality is biological and inherited. +For example, one 1996 study involving 123 pairs of identical twins (who share +100 percent of their genes) and 127 pairs of fraternal twins (who, like any +other pair of siblings, share about 50 percent)[67] estimated that 41 percent +of neuroticism may be inherited, as well as 53 percent of extroversion, 61 +percent of openness to experience, 41 percent of agreeableness, and 44 percent +of conscientiousness. + +You might be thinking that parenting may make up the other half or so, but +that’s not seemingly the case. Researchers in 2021 examined over time the +correlation between the personality traits of progeny and parenting measures, +and [68]found that, in most aspects, parenting mattered about as much as birth +order—which is to say, its effect was little to none. + +The exceptions were in two dimensions of personality: conscientiousness and +agreeableness. Children were more conscientious when parents were more involved +in their lives and worked to provide cultural stimulation (such as taking them +to museums); and children were more agreeable when their parents raised them +with more structure and goals. + +Genetics also matter a great deal for children’s happiness. One study of +fraternal and identical twins found that the genetic component discernible from +analyzing the subjects’ various self-reported ratings of personality traits and +life satisfaction was about [69]31 percent. In contrast with the possibly +limited influence of parenting style on most personality traits, however, +parental behavior does appear to significantly affect the roughly half of +children’s happiness that may not be genetically determined. Specifically, one +factor—parental warmth and affection, with slightly more weight to that of +fathers—has been [70]shown to make up about a third of “psychological +adjustment” differences in their children, a holistic measure that includes +markers of happiness. + +Parenting involves both words and actions. Even if parents like to say to their +children, usually with little effect, “Do what I say,” most parents come to +notice that kids pay attention to everything their parents do, rather than what +they say. And research backs up the idea that actions speak louder than words. +For example, a 2001 study of parental religiosity among Catholics found that +the behavior of a father (even more than the mother) who acts upon faith and is +practicing will most [71]affect the likelihood of his children growing up to be +religious as well. Similarly, an investigation of substance use among +adolescents [72]discovered that among those who had tried alcohol, tobacco, or +other drugs, 80 percent said their parents would say they disapproved of their +teenager’s behavior, but 100 percent did not say explicitly that their parents +abstained from substances—suggesting that these children likely had at least +one parent who used them to a lesser or greater extent. + +[73]Listen: The right choices in parenting + +This tour through the research provides a set of parenting rules to act +upon—one that I could very much have used when my kids were little. Better late +than never, and I can still try to follow these rules now that I am a [74] +grandfather. Try them out and see if they make parenting easier and better for +you. If your goal is virtue and happiness for your kids, keep these three +things in mind. + +1. Even a hot mess can be a good parent. +It is easy to despair at being a parent—or to give yourself a pass—if you +struggle with your own happiness or with a troublesome personality. I have +heard many young adults say they’re afraid to have kids because they don’t want +to pass on their own problems. True, much of your personality is transmitted to +your offspring without your volition. As noted above, you may not be able to do +much about their degree of extroversion, which seems largely a genetic given. +But when it comes to conscientiousness and agreeableness (which, again, are +what we really want for our children), parenting choices to be involved in +their lives, and provide structure and goals, make a significant difference. +And parenting does have a huge impact on their happiness. + +2. When you don’t know what to do, be warm and loving. +For happiness, the parenting technique that truly matters is warmth and +affection. As my wife used to say when we were at wit’s end with our son, “I +guess we should just love him.” This might sound like a hippie recipe for +disaster, but it isn’t. Your kids don’t need a drill sergeant, Santa Claus, or +a helicopter mom; they need someone who loves them unconditionally, and shows +it even when the brats deserve it the least. Especially when they’re at their +most brattish. Remember: That is what they will remember and give to your +grandchildren (who will never be brats) when they themselves become parents. + +3. Be the person you want your kids to become. +The data don’t lie, but as parents we do. Kids—who are walking +BS-detectors—always notice when we say one thing and do another. Of course, +deciding how to act to create the right example for them to follow isn’t always +easy. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how you’d like your son or +daughter to behave as an adult in a given situation—and then do that yourself. +When you’re driving and get cut off in traffic, you would like it not to bother +them—so don’t let them see it bothering you. You would prefer they don’t get +drunk, so don’t drink too much yourself. You’d like them to be generous to +others, so be generous too. + +[75]Arthur C. Brooks: Don’t teach your kids to fear the world + +For young and future parents reading this, one last note: You will make a lot +of mistakes, but mostly they won’t matter. I can think of my selfishness and +blunders as a father, and on some sleepless nights the instances roll around in +my head and fill me with regret. But then I look at my son. So how did all my +hectoring about grades and values work out? + +He [76]skipped college and joined the U.S. Marine Corps, in which he spent four +years as a mortarman and sniper. Now 23, he is happily married and works in a +job he loves as a manager at a construction company. He won’t see this column +because, well, he doesn’t have time to read my stuff. But he loves me and I +love him; we talk every single day; and despite all of my missteps, he turned +out just fine. And most likely, so will your child. + + +Arthur Brooks is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and the host of the How +to Build a Happy Life podcast. + + +References: + +[1] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/#main-content +[2] https://www.theatlantic.com/ +[5] https://www.theatlantic.com/most-popular/ +[6] https://www.theatlantic.com/latest/ +[7] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/ +[8] https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/ +[9] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/ +[10] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/fiction/ +[11] https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/ +[12] https://www.theatlantic.com/science/ +[13] https://www.theatlantic.com/photo/ +[14] https://www.theatlantic.com/business/ +[15] https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/ +[16] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/planet/ +[17] https://www.theatlantic.com/international/ +[18] https://www.theatlantic.com/books/ +[19] https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/ +[20] https://www.theatlantic.com/health/ +[21] https://www.theatlantic.com/education/ +[22] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/ +[23] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/features/ +[24] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/ +[25] https://www.theatlantic.com/events/ +[26] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/washington-week-atlantic/ +[27] https://www.theatlantic.com/progress/ +[28] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/ +[29] https://www.theatlantic.com/archive/ +[30] https://www.theatlantic.com/free-daily-crossword-puzzle/ +[31] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/ +[32] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/ +[33] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/backissues/ +[34] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/products/gift +[38] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/dear-therapist/ +[39] https://www.theatlantic.com/free-daily-crossword-puzzle/ +[40] https://www.theatlantic.com/archive/ +[41] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/accounts/subscription/ +[43] https://www.theatlantic.com/most-popular/ +[44] https://www.theatlantic.com/latest/ +[45] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/ +[46] https://www.theatlantic.com/ +[47] https://www.theatlantic.com/ +[48] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/login/ +[49] https://www.theatlantic.com/subscribe/navbar/ +[50] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/how-build-life/ +[51] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/how-build-life/ +[52] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/carl-jung-pillars-life-happiness/678009/ +[53] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ +[54] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/ +[55] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ +[56] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/waiting-boredom-frustration-strategies/677767/ +[57] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ +[58] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/silent-treatment-ostracism-pain-relationships/677746/ +[59] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ +[60] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/ +[61] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/ +[64] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/sign-up/how-to-build-a-life/ +[65] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/ +[66] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/06/happiness-grandparenting-family-parenthood/674470/ +[67] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8776880/#:~:text=Broad%20genetic%20influence%20on%20the,genetic%20influence%20was%20largely%20nonadditive +[68] https://online.ucpress.edu/collabra/article/7/1/29766/118998/Longitudinal-Associations-Between-Parenting-and +[69] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6098054/ +[70] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-012-9579-z/tables/3 +[71] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00380237.2001.10571190 +[72] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15267431.2014.945699?scroll=top&needAccess=true +[73] https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2022/11/parenting-howto-happiness-arthurbrooks/672009/ +[74] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/06/happiness-grandparenting-family-parenthood/674470/ +[75] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/09/the-best-way-to-teach-kids-about-danger/671310/ +[76] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/07/will-going-college-make-you-happier/613729/