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[4]Today’s Paper
[5]Opinion|One Thing Parents Can Control
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https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/16/opinion/parenting-mistakes-joy.html
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[30]Esau McCaulley
By [31]Esau McCaulley
Contributing Opinion Writer
My father was a long-haul truck driver. He piloted one of those
eighteen-wheelers that had a horn that could raise the dead. As a kid I longed
to join him on his journeys and discover something of the world beyond
Huntsville, Ala., where we lived.
Despite his numerous promises, he never took me along. That failure, and the
addictions of his that defined much of my childhood, gave me an education of a
different sort. I learned that the world could be cruel and disappointing.
Now that I am a father, I struggle with how much of that hard world to reveal
to my sons and daughters. I recognize the privilege in even considering this.
Parents of children in Gaza and Ukraine do not have the luxury of deciding
whether to tell their young ones of evils done and all the good left undone.
Bombs descending from above indifferent to the innocence of youth have become
their instructors.
I believe that we all have a moral duty not to turn away from such suffering.
During dinner my family and I have talked and prayed about war, poverty, racism
and injustice. My hope is that if we instill a sense of empathy in our
children, they might create a better world than the one we have made.
It is not just the global upheaval that gives me pause. It is my own mistakes.
Not one of us escapes those high-pressure early years of parenthood unscathed.
There are always words that we wish that we could unsay, decisions made that we
would reconsider if time ran backward. What unfulfilled promise will haunt my
children? What will they have to forgive?
Childhood memories rush upon us awakened by a smell or a song or certain times
of year. The scent of fried chicken takes me back to my grandmother’s house. I
can almost hear the crunch it made when I took a bite. Every time I pass an
eighteen-wheeler on the Interstate, I remember my father. Fall reminds me of
the anxiety I felt when I knew that I had to go back to school without any new
outfits or shoes, hoping I wouldn’t be mocked. I am 44 years old, and I still
remember the hard thumps in my chest.
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References:
[1] https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/16/opinion/parenting-mistakes-joy.html#site-content
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[24] https://www.nytimes.com/section/opinion
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[29] https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/16/opinion/parenting-mistakes-joy.html
[30] https://www.nytimes.com/by/esau-mccaulley
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[53]Arthur C. Brooks
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The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids
[55]Arthur C. Brooks
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Whatever You Do, Don’t Do the Silent Treatment
[59]Arthur C. Brooks
[60]Ideas
The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids
The research shows that you probably have less effect on your kids than you
think—with one major exception: Your love will make them happy.
By [61]Arthur C. Brooks
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April 4, 2024
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time a new column comes out.
When one of my now-adult kids was in middle school, I had a small epiphany
about parenting. I had been haranguing him constantly about his homework and
grades, which were indeed a problem. One night, after an especially bad day, I
was taking stock of the situation, and came to a realization: I didn’t actually
care very much about his grades. What I wanted was for him to grow up to become
a responsible, ethical, faithful, well-adjusted man. From that day forward, I
stopped talking about his grades and started talking about values. It was a
relief for both of us.
But then I got to wondering: If bugging him about grades didn’t change
anything, why would talking about values make a difference? Did it really
matter what I said about anything?
If you have children—or plan to have them—you probably share my concerns.
According to a survey last year by the [65]Pew Research Center, the No. 1
desire of parents for their children (which 94 percent of those surveyed say is
extremely or very important) is that their kids turn out to be honest and
ethical. Meanwhile, the No. 1 worry (which 76 percent of parents said was
extremely-to-somewhat worrisome) is that their kids might struggle with
depression or anxiety. In short, we want them above all to be good and happy
people.
But just wanting these things isn’t enough. How do we achieve these goals? This
question is at least as ancient as human civilization. Should we talk about
these things with our children a lot, or not? Be strict with them, or lax? Or
perhaps everything is genetics anyway, so maybe we should just hope and pray
for the best. Fortunately, recent research has offered ways to help answer some
of these difficult questions—and make us better parents.
[66]Arthur C. Brooks: The happy art of grandparenting
A foundational question about raising children revolves around nature versus
nurture: how much of a child’s development is due to their genes rather than
their upbringing. When I was a child, nurture theories had the upper hand. The
common belief was that kids are a blank slate, or are nearly so, and that
parenting is what really matters to mold who they will become as adults.
Latterly, however, this view has been turned upside down, after study upon
study has shown that a huge amount of personality is biological and inherited.
For example, one 1996 study involving 123 pairs of identical twins (who share
100 percent of their genes) and 127 pairs of fraternal twins (who, like any
other pair of siblings, share about 50 percent)[67] estimated that 41 percent
of neuroticism may be inherited, as well as 53 percent of extroversion, 61
percent of openness to experience, 41 percent of agreeableness, and 44 percent
of conscientiousness.
You might be thinking that parenting may make up the other half or so, but
that’s not seemingly the case. Researchers in 2021 examined over time the
correlation between the personality traits of progeny and parenting measures,
and [68]found that, in most aspects, parenting mattered about as much as birth
order—which is to say, its effect was little to none.
The exceptions were in two dimensions of personality: conscientiousness and
agreeableness. Children were more conscientious when parents were more involved
in their lives and worked to provide cultural stimulation (such as taking them
to museums); and children were more agreeable when their parents raised them
with more structure and goals.
Genetics also matter a great deal for children’s happiness. One study of
fraternal and identical twins found that the genetic component discernible from
analyzing the subjects’ various self-reported ratings of personality traits and
life satisfaction was about [69]31 percent. In contrast with the possibly
limited influence of parenting style on most personality traits, however,
parental behavior does appear to significantly affect the roughly half of
children’s happiness that may not be genetically determined. Specifically, one
factor—parental warmth and affection, with slightly more weight to that of
fathers—has been [70]shown to make up about a third of “psychological
adjustment” differences in their children, a holistic measure that includes
markers of happiness.
Parenting involves both words and actions. Even if parents like to say to their
children, usually with little effect, “Do what I say,” most parents come to
notice that kids pay attention to everything their parents do, rather than what
they say. And research backs up the idea that actions speak louder than words.
For example, a 2001 study of parental religiosity among Catholics found that
the behavior of a father (even more than the mother) who acts upon faith and is
practicing will most [71]affect the likelihood of his children growing up to be
religious as well. Similarly, an investigation of substance use among
adolescents [72]discovered that among those who had tried alcohol, tobacco, or
other drugs, 80 percent said their parents would say they disapproved of their
teenager’s behavior, but 100 percent did not say explicitly that their parents
abstained from substances—suggesting that these children likely had at least
one parent who used them to a lesser or greater extent.
[73]Listen: The right choices in parenting
This tour through the research provides a set of parenting rules to act
upon—one that I could very much have used when my kids were little. Better late
than never, and I can still try to follow these rules now that I am a [74]
grandfather. Try them out and see if they make parenting easier and better for
you. If your goal is virtue and happiness for your kids, keep these three
things in mind.
1. Even a hot mess can be a good parent.
It is easy to despair at being a parent—or to give yourself a pass—if you
struggle with your own happiness or with a troublesome personality. I have
heard many young adults say they’re afraid to have kids because they don’t want
to pass on their own problems. True, much of your personality is transmitted to
your offspring without your volition. As noted above, you may not be able to do
much about their degree of extroversion, which seems largely a genetic given.
But when it comes to conscientiousness and agreeableness (which, again, are
what we really want for our children), parenting choices to be involved in
their lives, and provide structure and goals, make a significant difference.
And parenting does have a huge impact on their happiness.
2. When you don’t know what to do, be warm and loving.
For happiness, the parenting technique that truly matters is warmth and
affection. As my wife used to say when we were at wit’s end with our son, “I
guess we should just love him.” This might sound like a hippie recipe for
disaster, but it isn’t. Your kids don’t need a drill sergeant, Santa Claus, or
a helicopter mom; they need someone who loves them unconditionally, and shows
it even when the brats deserve it the least. Especially when they’re at their
most brattish. Remember: That is what they will remember and give to your
grandchildren (who will never be brats) when they themselves become parents.
3. Be the person you want your kids to become.
The data don’t lie, but as parents we do. Kids—who are walking
BS-detectors—always notice when we say one thing and do another. Of course,
deciding how to act to create the right example for them to follow isn’t always
easy. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how you’d like your son or
daughter to behave as an adult in a given situation—and then do that yourself.
When you’re driving and get cut off in traffic, you would like it not to bother
them—so don’t let them see it bothering you. You would prefer they don’t get
drunk, so don’t drink too much yourself. You’d like them to be generous to
others, so be generous too.
[75]Arthur C. Brooks: Don’t teach your kids to fear the world
For young and future parents reading this, one last note: You will make a lot
of mistakes, but mostly they won’t matter. I can think of my selfishness and
blunders as a father, and on some sleepless nights the instances roll around in
my head and fill me with regret. But then I look at my son. So how did all my
hectoring about grades and values work out?
He [76]skipped college and joined the U.S. Marine Corps, in which he spent four
years as a mortarman and sniper. Now 23, he is happily married and works in a
job he loves as a manager at a construction company. He won’t see this column
because, well, he doesn’t have time to read my stuff. But he loves me and I
love him; we talk every single day; and despite all of my missteps, he turned
out just fine. And most likely, so will your child.
Arthur Brooks is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and the host of the How
to Build a Happy Life podcast.
References:
[1] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/#main-content
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[25] https://www.theatlantic.com/events/
[26] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/washington-week-atlantic/
[27] https://www.theatlantic.com/progress/
[28] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/
[29] https://www.theatlantic.com/archive/
[30] https://www.theatlantic.com/free-daily-crossword-puzzle/
[31] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/
[32] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/
[33] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/backissues/
[34] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/products/gift
[38] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/dear-therapist/
[39] https://www.theatlantic.com/free-daily-crossword-puzzle/
[40] https://www.theatlantic.com/archive/
[41] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/accounts/subscription/
[43] https://www.theatlantic.com/most-popular/
[44] https://www.theatlantic.com/latest/
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[48] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/login/
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[50] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/how-build-life/
[51] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/how-build-life/
[52] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/carl-jung-pillars-life-happiness/678009/
[53] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
[54] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/
[55] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
[56] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/waiting-boredom-frustration-strategies/677767/
[57] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
[58] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/silent-treatment-ostracism-pain-relationships/677746/
[59] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
[60] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/
[61] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
[64] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/sign-up/how-to-build-a-life/
[65] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/
[66] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/06/happiness-grandparenting-family-parenthood/674470/
[67] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8776880/#:~:text=Broad%20genetic%20influence%20on%20the,genetic%20influence%20was%20largely%20nonadditive
[68] https://online.ucpress.edu/collabra/article/7/1/29766/118998/Longitudinal-Associations-Between-Parenting-and
[69] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6098054/
[70] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-012-9579-z/tables/3
[71] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00380237.2001.10571190
[72] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15267431.2014.945699?scroll=top&needAccess=true
[73] https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2022/11/parenting-howto-happiness-arthurbrooks/672009/
[74] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/06/happiness-grandparenting-family-parenthood/674470/
[75] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/09/the-best-way-to-teach-kids-about-danger/671310/
[76] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/07/will-going-college-make-you-happier/613729/