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505 lines
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[1]
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Matriarchal Blessing
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[2]Matriarchal Blessing
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[8]
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[https]
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Matriarchal Blessing
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Matriarchal Blessing
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I'm a feminist and I think it's harder to be a man than a woman.
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I'm a feminist and I think it's harder to be a man than a woman.
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Systemically women have it worse, but behaviorally, men are more limited.
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[9]
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[htt]
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[10]Celeste Davis
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Sep 15, 2024
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881
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[12]
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[https]
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Matriarchal Blessing
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Matriarchal Blessing
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I'm a feminist and I think it's harder to be a man than a woman.
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Copy link
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[13]
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[14]
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Article voiceover
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1×
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0:00
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-9:44
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Audio playback is not supported on your browser. Please upgrade.
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When men say it is hard to be a man, I fully believe them.
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I think it is very, very hard to be a man.
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Perhaps since I write an essay about patriarchy each week, you may think I’m
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saying that in a sarcastic voice “Oh it’s SOOoooOO hard to have society built
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just for you[15]1 and have all the power in government, business and religion
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for *checks watch* all of recorded history.[16]2 Boo hoo. Sad violins for you.”
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But I’m not being sarcastic.
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Very earnestly I believe that despite greater access to power and resources,
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the box labeled “socially acceptable ways to be a man” is much smaller than the
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box labeled “socially acceptable ways to be a woman.”
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[17]
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[https]
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The masculine is at the top of the power hierarchy, but their behavior is more
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limited.
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Men’s behavior is limited to the masculine, but women have access to both
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masculine and feminine behavior.
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[18]
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[https]
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[19]
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[https]
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Women are not allowed to LOOK masculine, but they are often rewarded for ACTING
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masculine- being strong and assertive, being one of the guys, favoring music,
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books and media by men, ridiculing girly things, etc.
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I’m going to paint with broad strokes here with obvious exceptions, but in
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generalized terms of social acceptability:
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• Women can be strong, but men can’t be weak.
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• Women can wear blue, but men can’t wear pink.
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• Girls can have boy names, but boys can’t have girl names.
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• Women can be executives, but men can’t be homemakers.
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• Girls can play basketball, but boys can’t do ballet.
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• Women read books by men, but men don’t read books by women.
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• Little girls can play with trucks and dinosaurs, but little boys can’t play
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with dolls.
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• Women can lift weights, but men don’t do pilates.
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• Women can like action movies, but men can’t like chick flicks.
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• Women can act tough and assertive, but men can’t act soft and submissive.
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[20]
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Strong Girl GIFs | Tenor
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Women have access to the whole range of human behavior; men only have access to
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the masculine.[21]3
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(And yes, [22]blurring the gender binary makes everything better for everyone.)
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Why is this?
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Do you have a guess? I’ll give you a clue. Starts with a p. Rhymes with
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schmatriarchy.
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It is because with live in a system that values and rewards all things man.
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Men have more power, but are more limited in how they can act.
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Speaking on this predicament of [24]patriarchy harming men,
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[25]Lane Anderson
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recently quoted researcher Michael Kimmel who said,
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“Men are in power as a group but do not feel power as individuals.. Men
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were raised to believe themselves entitled to feel that power, but do not
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feel it. No wonder men are frustrated and angry...
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Failure to embody the rules of manhood is a source of men's confusion and
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pain... it is unrealizable for any man. But we keep trying, vainly, to
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measure up. American masculinity is a relentless test."
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Thomas Page McBee speaks to this juxtaposition of men having more power but
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less connection in his book [26]Amateur.
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Thomas is a trans man. Since transitioning he has noticed that when he speaks,
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everyone is quiet. No one interrupts him anymore. He says, “It was wonderful
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and weird. Until I was a man, I had no idea how good men have it at work.”
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[27]
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amateur.jpg
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But there are downsides. A year after his transition Thomas lost his mother. He
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didn’t realize how much he needed human touch until it disappeared from his
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life. No one hugged him anymore. He could go months without anyone touching
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him. This was a foreign experience to Thomas.
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He says he has become hyper aware of both how acceptable his anger is, and how
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unacceptable his sadness is. The people in his life- men and women alike- are
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visibly uncomfortable when he cries.
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He misses the deep friendships that came easily as a woman.
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It's hard to make friends when all the ingredients necessary to
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friendship--vulnerability, compassion and thoughtfulness-- are seen as a threat
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to masculinity.
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[28]
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Thomas Page McBee by Julie Greicius
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Thomas Page Mcbee. [29]source
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Recently
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[30]15thCenturyFeminist
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interviewed
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[31]Jeremy Mohler
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about his experience of performing masculinity. Of his teenage years he said,
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“I couldn't admit that I wanted to be closer with my friends. That would
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mean I was 'soft,' 'girly,' or 'gay.' I had to act stoic, like everything
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was fine, even if I was starving for love and connection inside."
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Jeremy and Thomas are far from the only men having trouble with connection.
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Male loneliness is being called an epidemic. [32]Psychologist Nick Norman
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describes the problem in this way:
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"Men have often reported having fewer friends and social connections to
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rely on, [33]with 15 percent saying they have no close friends at all. Yet,
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when surveyed, men often report wanting more fulfilling relationships. What
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is keeping men from these connections when it’s such a fundamental need?...
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the issue lies in the unspoken rules men are handed in boyhood."
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The unspoken rule #1? You are not allowed to act like a girl.
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Unfortunately friendships, relationships and human connection require all sorts
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of girly things like empathy, showing emotion, being vulnerable and active
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listening.
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Men report wanting more fulfilling relationships, but they have been barred
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from the behaviors that fulfilling relationships require.
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“Learning to wear a mask is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity a boy
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learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not
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conform to the acceptable behaviors sexism defines as male. Asked to give up
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the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn
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self-betrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder.” - bell
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hooks [34]the will to change
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If men are in charge like patriarchy says, why are men suffering so much?
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Many take the fact that it is difficult to be a man to mean that patriarchy is
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not real—
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Men are the victims of society, so how could they be the instigators of their
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own victimhood? It makes no sense. If men set this system up to favor men,
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wouldn’t men be thriving? If patriarchy is real, why are men suffering?
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Great question. I’m going to let the brilliant creator and thinker [36]Cyzor
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[37]4 cover this one.
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He received a message complete with two pages of documentation showing that men
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are the real victims (more suicide, more likely to be victims of crime, more
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likely to be charged “guilty” in court, etc) so all this whining about
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patriarchy is bullshit.
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Here is Cyzor’s response:
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[38][https]
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[39]@cyzorgg[40]Day 12 and the final day of reposting my top. videos of the
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year. This is by far both my favorite video and one of the best performing that
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I made this year and Im so glad everyone liked it and felt it was helpful and
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useful for them in their own lives. In the next year I plan to expand and grow
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as a content creator and try tons of new avenues, work with brands, and see
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what works for me. but whatever I do, I'll continue to share my thoughts in
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hopes they help others! I appreciate you all for the love and support this
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year!!
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[alert-circ]Tiktok failed to load.
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Enable 3rd party cookies or use another browser
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“Men are more likely to die by homicide. Men are more likely to be victims
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of crime. Men are also more likely to COMMIT all of those crimes. 72% of
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crimes are done by men. Men are the victims of other men.
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Men are discriminated in universities, that are run by men. Men are going
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to jail longer in a justice system, that is run by men. Bro. You are mad at
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the same structure that women are trying to get rid of.
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If you are complaining about court policies, social expectations, crime-
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bro - you are complaining about the patriarchy.” - Cyzor
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Men suffer under patriarchy because patriarchy is a system set up by a few men
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over everyone else- including most men. It is a system that allows for the most
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greedy, aggressive and selfish to rise to the top and dominate over everyone
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else.
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DNA scientists have discovered that 8000 years ago on average [41]only one man
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passed on his DNA for every 17 women. Not just in one place, but as a global
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average. The majority of men were not procreating. Not because there was a mass
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death of males, but because only a few men accumulated wealth, power and women
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and withheld resources from the rest.
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A small minority of men were allowed to rule and make life worse for everyone
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else- men and women alike.
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[42]And as we discussed last week with lawns, just because something 1. begins
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for no reason and 2. harms everyone does not mean we won’t religiously devote
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ourselves to that thing.
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[43]
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Ancient Egyptian Battles & Wars - Egypt Tours Portal (US)
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So manly.
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We often hear that patriarchy hurts men too, but how many men actually believe
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this?
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All too often, once the p word enters the chat, defenses are raised,
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conversations are ended.
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But Cyzor, no stranger to patriarchy pushback, also helped me to understand why
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it is that [44]so many men shut down and become defensive when patriarchy is
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brought up when he said,
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“I criticize those aspects of masculinity that I don’t think are healthy
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for men and if you’ve internalized those aspects of masculinity as being
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part of you, it’s going to feel like I am criticizing you.”
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Society trains men to put manhood at the very center of their identity. When we
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talk about patriarchy, we talk about those things which men have built their
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identities and lives around. Of course they are defensive. It feels like an
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attack.
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But we have to stop conflating patriarchy and men.
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Our ability to have really important conversations relies on our ability to
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make this distinction.
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So often those of us who bring up patriarchy and those who shut it down are on
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the same side. We want the same things. We want life to be better for men.
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We must make room for the reality that we talk about patriarchy not because we
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hate men. We talk about patriarchy because we love men.
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We have/are sons, husbands, fathers, brothers, friends. And we see the small
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box patriarchy has handed to men.
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To #smashthepatriarchy is not to smash men- it is to smash this system that
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makes men miserable. Smash the too-small box that is making men lonely and sick
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and estranged from the full range of their humanity.
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I’ll echo the [45]words of Cyzor to close us out today:
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"I want men to succeed. I envision a world where men are allowed to
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experience the full range of human emotion, where they are not shamed for
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crying or being vulnerable, where they are not shamed if they are not
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physically tall or strong or rich… where men can have real emotional
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connection to one another, have a real support system with people who lift
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them up and help them when they are down, where men aren't under the
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impression that masculinity means experiencing the trials of life by
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yourself."
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Amen.
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It IS hard to be a man. It is very hard.
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It would be a whole lot easier without patriarchy.
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[46]Leave a comment
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[47]1
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If you’re white
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[48]2
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If you’re white
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[49]3
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Yes there is some social stigma and repercussions for women acting masculine
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(in the dating pool, at work), but not to the extent of the social punishment
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for men acting feminine.
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[50]4
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[51]Follow him immediately. His videos are so healing.
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Matriarchal Blessing is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts
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and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
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[62][ ]
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Subscribe
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Thanks for reading Matriarchal Blessing! This post is public so feel free to
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share it.
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[64]Share
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881
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Share this post
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[66]
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[https]
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Matriarchal Blessing
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Matriarchal Blessing
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I'm a feminist and I think it's harder to be a man than a woman.
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Copy link
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Facebook
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Email
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Notes
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More
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[67]
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155
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201
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[68]
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Share
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Discussion about this post
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CommentsRestacks
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[ht]
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[ ]
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[ ]
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[ ]
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[ ]
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[72]
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[ht]
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[73]Arturo Mijangos
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[74]Sep 15
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Liked by Celeste Davis
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This is why I continue to champion the dismantling of patriarchy. I will
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showcase what accessing feminine traits looks like. I will continue to teach
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how patriarchy impacts and limits men. I will continue to support lgbtq+ rights
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who exemplify broader expressions of the gender spectrum.
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Expand full comment
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Reply
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Share
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[77]12 replies by Celeste Davis and others
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[78]
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[ht]
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[79]Kimberley Healey
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[80]Sep 15
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Liked by Celeste Davis
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Absolutely! Thanks for the tiktok repost - he nails it. When I taught Women's
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Lit I brought in a bunch of my male colleagues to explain their experience with
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masculinity. Football coach, older teachers, younger ones - we all changed that
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day when they started sharing things they had NEVER told anyone. The
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loneliness, lack of touch and constant pressure to PROVE they were actually men
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were heartbreaking. It does suck to be a woman but I get to just be one, I
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don't have to step up and BE a man in the same way that men have to do in the
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US. One book that really helped me teach my course was For the Love of Men by
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Liz Plank. Very curious to see the comments on this great essay!
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Expand full comment
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Reply
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Share
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[83]6 replies by Celeste Davis and others
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[84]153 more comments...
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[99][ ]
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© 2025 Celeste Davis
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[101]Privacy ∙ [102]Terms ∙ [103]Collection notice
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[104] Start Writing[105]Get the app
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[106]Substack is the home for great culture
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References:
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[1] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/
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[2] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/
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[8] https://substack.com/home/post/p-148892931?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
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[9] https://substack.com/@celestemdavis
|
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[10] https://substack.com/@celestemdavis
|
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[12] https://substack.com/home/post/p-148892931?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
|
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[13] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man/comments
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[14] javascript:void(0)
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[15] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man#footnote-1-148892931
|
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[16] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man#footnote-2-148892931
|
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[17] https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F94798dee-78fc-43c9-967d-664b966d85d7_1456x1048.png
|
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[18] https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F41c6b879-2f48-4de6-b3e4-500e9915e9d3_1456x1048.png
|
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[19] https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F126de46d-8e49-4ca8-85c1-7ae5edbebe01_1456x1048.png
|
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[20] https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fd9e78a3d-537f-47b1-b9cb-60a6d548367d_220x143.gif
|
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[21] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man#footnote-3-148892931
|
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[22] https://substack.com/@celestemdavis/p-146095286
|
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[24] https://matriarchyreport.substack.com/p/patriarchy-is-bad-for-men-and-boys
|
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[25] https://open.substack.com/users/1628200-lane-anderson?utm_source=mentions
|
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[26] https://www.thomaspagemcbee.com/amateur
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[27] https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fc7ef7faf-a030-4e37-a271-03b1cd2518d3_300x478.jpeg
|
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[28] https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F29bf2530-4eff-49c7-8c55-6d3dc2151c67_3008x2000.jpeg
|
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[29] https://midnightbreakfast.com/thomas-page-mcbee
|
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[30] https://open.substack.com/users/129144801-15thcenturyfeminist?utm_source=mentions
|
||
[31] https://open.substack.com/users/3962129-jeremy-mohler?utm_source=mentions
|
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[32] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mens-mental-health-matters/202301/why-men-are-lonelier-than-ever
|
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[33] https://www.americansurveycenter.org/why-mens-social-circles-are-shrinking/
|
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[34] https://www.secondsale.com/p/the-will-to-change-men-masculinity-and-love/622949?ean13=9780743456081&id_product_attribute=58734820&campaignid=21540511568&adgroupid=&keyword=&device=c&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw6JS3BhBAEiwAO9waF9yLlP1Epl1Fd8T6ro4IQPtiay3SjgeYx_BK8R1ydqPJ2klvbg5dChoCNYAQAvD_BwE
|
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[36] https://www.tiktok.com/@cyzorgg
|
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[37] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man#footnote-4-148892931
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[38] https://www.tiktok.com/@cyzorgg/video/7318190925937675562
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[39] https://www.tiktok.com/@cyzorgg
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[40] https://www.tiktok.com/@cyzorgg/video/7318190925937675562
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[41] http://www.psmag.com/nature-and-technology/17-to-1-reproductive-success
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[42] https://substack.com/@celestemdavis/p-148630300
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[43] https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F3e3de959-b86a-4c5a-9260-1554fd1b3fee_2048x1400.jpeg
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[44] https://www.tiktok.com/@cyzorgg/video/7317746877271706922
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||
[45] https://www.tiktok.com/@cyzorgg/video/7317746877271706922
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||
[46] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man/comments
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||
[47] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man#footnote-anchor-1-148892931
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||
[48] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man#footnote-anchor-2-148892931
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||
[49] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man#footnote-anchor-3-148892931
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||
[50] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man#footnote-anchor-4-148892931
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[51] https://www.tiktok.com/@cyzorgg
|
||
[64] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=email&utm_content=share&action=share
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||
[66] https://substack.com/home/post/p-148892931?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
|
||
[67] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man/comments
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||
[68] javascript:void(0)
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||
[72] https://substack.com/profile/165554130-arturo-mijangos?utm_source=comment
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||
[73] https://substack.com/profile/165554130-arturo-mijangos?utm_source=substack-feed-item
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||
[74] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man/comment/69084607
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||
[77] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man/comment/69084607
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||
[78] https://substack.com/profile/6902565-kimberley-healey?utm_source=comment
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||
[79] https://substack.com/profile/6902565-kimberley-healey?utm_source=substack-feed-item
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||
[80] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man/comment/69082532
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||
[83] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man/comment/69082532
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||
[84] https://celestemdavis.substack.com/p/hard-to-be-a-man/comments
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||
[101] https://substack.com/privacy
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||
[102] https://substack.com/tos
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||
[103] https://substack.com/ccpa#personal-data-collected
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[104] https://substack.com/signup?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=web&utm_content=footer
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||
[105] https://substack.com/app/app-store-redirect?utm_campaign=app-marketing&utm_content=web-footer-button
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||
[106] https://substack.com/
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||
[108] https://enable-javascript.com/
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