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322 lines
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[1]Skip to content
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[50]More From How to Build a Life
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More From How to Build a Life
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[51]Explore This Series
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• [52]An illustration showing a man examining five pillars of happiness.
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Jung’s Five Pillars of a Good Life
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[53]Arthur C. Brooks
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• [54]An illustration of a father fishing with his son
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The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids
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[55]Arthur C. Brooks
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• [56]A group of people waiting in line
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How Not to Be Bored When You Have to Wait
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[57]Arthur C. Brooks
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• [58]A person sitting on their own at the end of a "string telephone"
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Whatever You Do, Don’t Do the Silent Treatment
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[59]Arthur C. Brooks
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[60]Ideas
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The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids
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The research shows that you probably have less effect on your kids than you
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think—with one major exception: Your love will make them happy.
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By [61]Arthur C. Brooks
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An illustration of a father fishing with his son
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Illustration by Jan Buchczik
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April 4, 2024
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Share
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Save
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Want to stay current with Arthur’s writing? [64]Sign up to get an email every
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time a new column comes out.
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When one of my now-adult kids was in middle school, I had a small epiphany
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about parenting. I had been haranguing him constantly about his homework and
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grades, which were indeed a problem. One night, after an especially bad day, I
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was taking stock of the situation, and came to a realization: I didn’t actually
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care very much about his grades. What I wanted was for him to grow up to become
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a responsible, ethical, faithful, well-adjusted man. From that day forward, I
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stopped talking about his grades and started talking about values. It was a
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relief for both of us.
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But then I got to wondering: If bugging him about grades didn’t change
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anything, why would talking about values make a difference? Did it really
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matter what I said about anything?
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If you have children—or plan to have them—you probably share my concerns.
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According to a survey last year by the [65]Pew Research Center, the No. 1
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desire of parents for their children (which 94 percent of those surveyed say is
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extremely or very important) is that their kids turn out to be honest and
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ethical. Meanwhile, the No. 1 worry (which 76 percent of parents said was
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extremely-to-somewhat worrisome) is that their kids might struggle with
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depression or anxiety. In short, we want them above all to be good and happy
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people.
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But just wanting these things isn’t enough. How do we achieve these goals? This
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question is at least as ancient as human civilization. Should we talk about
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these things with our children a lot, or not? Be strict with them, or lax? Or
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perhaps everything is genetics anyway, so maybe we should just hope and pray
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for the best. Fortunately, recent research has offered ways to help answer some
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of these difficult questions—and make us better parents.
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[66]Arthur C. Brooks: The happy art of grandparenting
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A foundational question about raising children revolves around nature versus
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nurture: how much of a child’s development is due to their genes rather than
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their upbringing. When I was a child, nurture theories had the upper hand. The
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common belief was that kids are a blank slate, or are nearly so, and that
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parenting is what really matters to mold who they will become as adults.
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Latterly, however, this view has been turned upside down, after study upon
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study has shown that a huge amount of personality is biological and inherited.
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For example, one 1996 study involving 123 pairs of identical twins (who share
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100 percent of their genes) and 127 pairs of fraternal twins (who, like any
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other pair of siblings, share about 50 percent)[67] estimated that 41 percent
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of neuroticism may be inherited, as well as 53 percent of extroversion, 61
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percent of openness to experience, 41 percent of agreeableness, and 44 percent
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of conscientiousness.
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You might be thinking that parenting may make up the other half or so, but
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that’s not seemingly the case. Researchers in 2021 examined over time the
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correlation between the personality traits of progeny and parenting measures,
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and [68]found that, in most aspects, parenting mattered about as much as birth
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order—which is to say, its effect was little to none.
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The exceptions were in two dimensions of personality: conscientiousness and
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agreeableness. Children were more conscientious when parents were more involved
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in their lives and worked to provide cultural stimulation (such as taking them
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to museums); and children were more agreeable when their parents raised them
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with more structure and goals.
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Genetics also matter a great deal for children’s happiness. One study of
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fraternal and identical twins found that the genetic component discernible from
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analyzing the subjects’ various self-reported ratings of personality traits and
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life satisfaction was about [69]31 percent. In contrast with the possibly
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limited influence of parenting style on most personality traits, however,
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parental behavior does appear to significantly affect the roughly half of
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children’s happiness that may not be genetically determined. Specifically, one
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factor—parental warmth and affection, with slightly more weight to that of
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fathers—has been [70]shown to make up about a third of “psychological
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adjustment” differences in their children, a holistic measure that includes
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markers of happiness.
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Parenting involves both words and actions. Even if parents like to say to their
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children, usually with little effect, “Do what I say,” most parents come to
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notice that kids pay attention to everything their parents do, rather than what
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they say. And research backs up the idea that actions speak louder than words.
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For example, a 2001 study of parental religiosity among Catholics found that
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the behavior of a father (even more than the mother) who acts upon faith and is
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practicing will most [71]affect the likelihood of his children growing up to be
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religious as well. Similarly, an investigation of substance use among
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adolescents [72]discovered that among those who had tried alcohol, tobacco, or
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other drugs, 80 percent said their parents would say they disapproved of their
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teenager’s behavior, but 100 percent did not say explicitly that their parents
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abstained from substances—suggesting that these children likely had at least
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one parent who used them to a lesser or greater extent.
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[73]Listen: The right choices in parenting
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This tour through the research provides a set of parenting rules to act
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upon—one that I could very much have used when my kids were little. Better late
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than never, and I can still try to follow these rules now that I am a [74]
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grandfather. Try them out and see if they make parenting easier and better for
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you. If your goal is virtue and happiness for your kids, keep these three
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things in mind.
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1. Even a hot mess can be a good parent.
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It is easy to despair at being a parent—or to give yourself a pass—if you
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struggle with your own happiness or with a troublesome personality. I have
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heard many young adults say they’re afraid to have kids because they don’t want
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to pass on their own problems. True, much of your personality is transmitted to
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your offspring without your volition. As noted above, you may not be able to do
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much about their degree of extroversion, which seems largely a genetic given.
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But when it comes to conscientiousness and agreeableness (which, again, are
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what we really want for our children), parenting choices to be involved in
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their lives, and provide structure and goals, make a significant difference.
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And parenting does have a huge impact on their happiness.
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2. When you don’t know what to do, be warm and loving.
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For happiness, the parenting technique that truly matters is warmth and
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affection. As my wife used to say when we were at wit’s end with our son, “I
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guess we should just love him.” This might sound like a hippie recipe for
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disaster, but it isn’t. Your kids don’t need a drill sergeant, Santa Claus, or
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a helicopter mom; they need someone who loves them unconditionally, and shows
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it even when the brats deserve it the least. Especially when they’re at their
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most brattish. Remember: That is what they will remember and give to your
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grandchildren (who will never be brats) when they themselves become parents.
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3. Be the person you want your kids to become.
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The data don’t lie, but as parents we do. Kids—who are walking
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BS-detectors—always notice when we say one thing and do another. Of course,
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deciding how to act to create the right example for them to follow isn’t always
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easy. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how you’d like your son or
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daughter to behave as an adult in a given situation—and then do that yourself.
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When you’re driving and get cut off in traffic, you would like it not to bother
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them—so don’t let them see it bothering you. You would prefer they don’t get
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drunk, so don’t drink too much yourself. You’d like them to be generous to
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others, so be generous too.
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[75]Arthur C. Brooks: Don’t teach your kids to fear the world
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For young and future parents reading this, one last note: You will make a lot
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of mistakes, but mostly they won’t matter. I can think of my selfishness and
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blunders as a father, and on some sleepless nights the instances roll around in
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my head and fill me with regret. But then I look at my son. So how did all my
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hectoring about grades and values work out?
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He [76]skipped college and joined the U.S. Marine Corps, in which he spent four
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years as a mortarman and sniper. Now 23, he is happily married and works in a
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job he loves as a manager at a construction company. He won’t see this column
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because, well, he doesn’t have time to read my stuff. But he loves me and I
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love him; we talk every single day; and despite all of my missteps, he turned
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out just fine. And most likely, so will your child.
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Arthur Brooks is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and the host of the How
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to Build a Happy Life podcast.
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References:
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[1] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/#main-content
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[2] https://www.theatlantic.com/
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[5] https://www.theatlantic.com/most-popular/
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[6] https://www.theatlantic.com/latest/
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[7] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/
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[8] https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/
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[9] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/
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[10] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/fiction/
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[11] https://www.theatlantic.com/technology/
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[12] https://www.theatlantic.com/science/
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[13] https://www.theatlantic.com/photo/
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[14] https://www.theatlantic.com/business/
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[15] https://www.theatlantic.com/culture/
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[16] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/planet/
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[17] https://www.theatlantic.com/international/
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[19] https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/
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[20] https://www.theatlantic.com/health/
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[21] https://www.theatlantic.com/education/
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[23] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/features/
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[24] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/
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[25] https://www.theatlantic.com/events/
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[26] https://www.theatlantic.com/category/washington-week-atlantic/
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[27] https://www.theatlantic.com/progress/
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[28] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/
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[29] https://www.theatlantic.com/archive/
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[30] https://www.theatlantic.com/free-daily-crossword-puzzle/
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[31] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/
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[32] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/
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[33] https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/backissues/
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[34] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/products/gift
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[38] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/dear-therapist/
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[39] https://www.theatlantic.com/free-daily-crossword-puzzle/
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[40] https://www.theatlantic.com/archive/
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[41] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/accounts/subscription/
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[43] https://www.theatlantic.com/most-popular/
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[44] https://www.theatlantic.com/latest/
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[45] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/
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[46] https://www.theatlantic.com/
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[47] https://www.theatlantic.com/
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[48] https://accounts.theatlantic.com/login/
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[49] https://www.theatlantic.com/subscribe/navbar/
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[50] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/how-build-life/
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[51] https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/how-build-life/
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[52] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/carl-jung-pillars-life-happiness/678009/
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[53] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
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[54] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/
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[55] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
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[56] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/waiting-boredom-frustration-strategies/677767/
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[57] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
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[58] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/silent-treatment-ostracism-pain-relationships/677746/
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[59] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
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[60] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/
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[61] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
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[64] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/sign-up/how-to-build-a-life/
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[65] https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/01/24/parenting-in-america-today/
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[66] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/06/happiness-grandparenting-family-parenthood/674470/
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[67] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/8776880/#:~:text=Broad%20genetic%20influence%20on%20the,genetic%20influence%20was%20largely%20nonadditive
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[68] https://online.ucpress.edu/collabra/article/7/1/29766/118998/Longitudinal-Associations-Between-Parenting-and
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[69] https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6098054/
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[70] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10826-012-9579-z/tables/3
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[71] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00380237.2001.10571190
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[72] https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15267431.2014.945699?scroll=top&needAccess=true
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[73] https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2022/11/parenting-howto-happiness-arthurbrooks/672009/
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[74] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/06/happiness-grandparenting-family-parenthood/674470/
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[75] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2022/09/the-best-way-to-teach-kids-about-danger/671310/
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[76] https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/07/will-going-college-make-you-happier/613729/
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