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[9]Essays

The Social Media Sea Change

What happens when the thing that structured so much of our lives loses its
utility?

[10]Anne Helen Petersen
Jan 19, 2025
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If you missed it from earlier this week: [15]I’ve put together a bunch of ways
you can help those in LA *right now.*

We’re also doing another round of “Ask A Divorced Person” — where people with
questions for divorced people submit their questions, and a group of divorced
people (who’ve gone through different types of divorces) answer them. You can
get the general idea [16]here.

If you have a question for a divorced person, you can submit it [17]here. If
you’d like to answer questions as a divorced person, you can volunteer [18]here
. (Link is now fixed, it takes you to the right form!)

And if you open this newsletter all the time, if you forward to your friends
and co-workers, if it challenges you to think in new and different ways — [19]
consider subscribing.

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knowledge that you’re paying for the stuff that adds value to your life. Plus,
there’s the addictive & useful threads: like Friday’s on [21]The Most Beautiful
Swim You’ve Ever Taken, and this month’s “[22]What Are You Reading” (1100+
comments and suggestions!)

[23]
[https]
Abandoned Concrete Barges from World War II in the River Thames (Aerial Essex /
Getty)
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The day before Christmas Eve, I deleted Instagram and my email from my phone.
Facebook hasn’t been there for years, and Twitter has been gone for nearly two.
For reasons that mystify me — maybe because I hid it on the third page — I only
feel like getting on TikTok once or twice a month, and then I watch it like
it’s a long movie and then leave it be. My phone was reduced to a texting
device with a smattering of essential apps: the camera, of course, but also the
weather, maps, browsing. I didn’t make it totally un-useful. I just
significantly reduced its potential to fill my time.

It was easy to ignore during the bustle of the holidays. It was usually just in
the mornings, when I first woke up, that I realized just how much time I’d
devoted to scrolling. There I was, looking at the weather or the snow report
for the third time, checking our local NextDoor and feeling dismayed that no
one had published a new sunset photo. At night, I’d look at my phone, realize
it had nothing to offer me, and throw it onto the bedside table like a cranky
toddler bored with a toy. I read and slept in abundance.

It’s not that I didn’t read email, or utterly ignored Instagram — I could still
take a look on my computer browser. It’s that I looked at them far fewer times.
It felt like 2006 in the very best of ways: I could still communicate with
others and periodically see pictures from their lives. It’s just that that
communication didn’t serve as the score and meter of my life.

I told myself I’d put both Instagram and email back on my phone at the end of
the in-between weeks. Days kept passing, and I kept not doing it. One day I had
to make a return in town that required a QR code; I forwarded the email to my
mom and had her show her phone. (I also could’ve just….printed it out).

I read the news of the Los Angeles fires on news sites and in newsletters
instead of being barraged by it on Instagram. I open my email on my computer
and sort through the accumulation in a massive chunk — like my PO Box, when I
haven’t gone for a few days — instead of bit by distracting bit. I find myself
diverting my scroll energy to Facebook, where I still have an account to access
dahlia groups, but it feels even more gross than before: a wasteland of AI
accounts promising blue dahlias and weight loss reels and suggestions to
friends of friends who haven’t updated their Facebook accounts in nearly a
decade. It’s like a frat house basement at 10 am. Why the fuck am I here.

[24]
[https]
HOW, FOR EXAMPLE, DID THIS GET IN MY FEED

I’ve spent more time than ever before on Substack Notes, but not posting, or
even responding to other people’s notes. The algorithm seems to have learned
that I like to read newsletters, not posts, and is serving me those links, not
others’ endless discussion of what they don’t like about Notes (namely: it’s
like everywhere else that they also don’t like).

I’m not quitting Instagram. I may or may not add email to my phone; maybe I’ll
just do it when I’m traveling, and it becomes my de facto computer. I’m not
trying to convince you to do what I’ve done, and I’m not suggesting I’m a
superior or more disciplined person for doing any of this. All I’m saying is: I
think I’ve turned the corner. And I think a lot of you have — or are about to
— too.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

You know how, when people get sober, or fall in love with running, or have a
breakthrough in therapy — they can’t stop proselytizing about it? “Proselytize”
feels like the right word here, because they really are preaching the good news
of a new religion: a way of understanding and occupying the world. To them, it
feels so right — and so unbelievable, that it took them this long to find it
— that they want others to figure it out now, in less time than they did.

But proselytizing doesn’t work, at least not how people think it does, and
rarely in lasting ways. People make major decisions in their lives only when
they’re ready, and they rarely reach a point of “ready” by people preaching at
them. Instead, they slowly absorb examples, arguments, and desires for their
own lives, and arrive at a place where they’re malleable to change.

After years of people yelling at me in books, think pieces, and tweets (lol) to
“break up with my phone,” “delete your social media accounts,” and “fuck Mark
Zuckerberg,” turns out the thing that I needed was a whole conglomeration of
quiet arguments and technological shifts that made my phone and the social
media accounts on it feel less precious. Put differently, I haven’t come to
value it less; instead, it’s become less valuable.

This sounds spectacularly self-centered: that you can only quit a thing, or
modify your usage of it, when it fails to serve you. But if we think of our
phones and social media as addictive products, which they certainly are, then
the classic addiction model makes sense: you only consider quitting when the
negative impacts (the dead feeling of the soft-brain scroll, the loss of
attention span, the weight of comparison, the exposure to trolls, the lack of
control over the algorithm) outweigh the positive benefits (the distraction,
the serotonin hit, the semblance of connection, the loose ties, the business
benefits).

My sense is that a lot of you are at a similar point. The amount of space these
technologies take up in our lives — and their ever-diminishing utility — has
brought us to a sort of cultural tipping point. I’ve sensed it over the last
year, when my social feeds seemed to finish their years-long transformation
from a neighborhood populated with friends to a glossy condo development of
brands. I could feel it in the responses to my piece, last month, to [25]
Posting Less, but also in a slew of pieces from other writers, all tracing
different pathways to the same conclusion: this isn’t working anymore. What if
we stopped trying to make it?

At this point, we’ve had social media around for long enough — and people have
been experimenting with decreasing or eliminating it for various lengths of
time — that there’s a pretty rich collection of writing on the topic. I thought
it might be useful to show you a few recent examples that have set up residency
in my brain:

1.) “[26]You Might Just Have To Be Bored.”

Kate Lindsay [28]points out a foundational problem with decreasing phone/app
use: we’ve forgotten how to be bored. This has felt true to me for some time,
but I appreciated the point that trying to re-acquaint yourself with boredom
cold turkey can be a disaster that leads to even greater dependence.

Lindsay has gradually decreased how she uses her phone and social apps, and in
so doing, the feeling of necessity also decreased. For me, all of this felt
impossible until Twitter lost its utility for me — slowly at first, and then I
realized I just didn’t want to hang out there. At first, I felt its absence,
but then I began leveraging other modes of communication to keep in touch — or
just kept in touch less (and spent more time doing things that were nourishing
in ways that had nothing to do with being online).

And then there’s the fact that boredom is far more than, I dunno, staring out
the window on a long car ride when you were eight years old. “Boredom,” Lindsay
argues, “is when life happens”:

    Boredom is when you do the dishes, run the errand you’ve been putting off,
    respond to the text you’ve left on read. Boredom is when you bring a book
    to read on the subway or make small talk with the person in front of you in
    line about how slow the pharmacy is. Boredom is when you do the things that
    make you feel like you have life under control. Not being bored is why you
    always feel busy, why you keep “not having time” to take a package to the
    post office or work on your novel. You do have time—you just spend it on
    your phone. By refusing to ever let your brain rest, you are choosing to
    watch other people’s lives through a screen at the expense of your own.

She fucking nails it, doesn’t she. How obvious, how painful, how hilarious,
that two things that most of us feel most stifled by — our lack of time, and
our phones — are deeply fucking related.

2.) “[29]Not having a smartphone is entirely practical. You [30]do not need it
[31]. This machine barely [32]does[33] anything at all.”

[35]This argument, from Sam Kriss, is not for people who use their phones as
their sole computing device. It’s for people who use phones as one of many
devices to communicate and navigate the internet. Kriss concedes that the GPS/
mapping function of the phone is quite useful — but apart from that, our phones
really aren’t doing much that our computers don’t do, they’re just portable and
thus available to disrupt any potential boredom.

This point comes about halfway through Kriss’s piece, which is about giving up
his phone for 40 days, and I appreciate how he resists the narrative that
giving up your phone will change your life — you still have the internet, after
all, you just have slightly less access to it, and that slight change in access
can be meaningful, or at least clarifying.

I’m not interested in getting rid of my phone, I’m just interested in being
less bound to it. My experience without email on my phone for the last three
weeks has also underlined just how stupid my previous arguments were about its
necessity. Nearly everything can wait until I can access my computer. QR codes
can be printed or screenshotted and texted to yourself — or you can (pretty
easily!) download the email app for an afternoon and delete it afterward. If
you’re holding tightly to this argument, it’s useful to think about why.

A chaser: “Not using a phone taught me what a phone is really for. It’s not for
communicating with other people, getting directions, reading articles, looking
at pictures, shopping for products, or playing games. A phone is a device for 
muting the anxieties proper to being alive.”

3.) App Time is Time, App Energy is Energy

I entered the New Year with so many ideas for this newsletter: bizarre, thorny,
wonderful, generative. I felt excited about digging into the big heart of the
book. I could attribute some of that creative energy to working less over
break, but I’m not that person who comes back from vacation bursting to work. I
have more newsletter energy — and more time to execute it — because I’m not
spraying that energy all over social media.

Here’s how Julia Fontes [37]puts it in her post reflecting on the end of her
year of “smart phone celibacy”:

    “This post isn’t going to conclude with me quitting all the sites. I do
    think that the way that they have sucked my attention away from the writing
    and made my newsletter worse is proof enough that I don’t want to continue
    to use them in the ways the marketing gurus recommend…..What I know for
    sure is that one year with the dumb phone culminated in the publication of
    my first book, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. I know that
    moderation of anything that stimulates the dopaminergic response is nearly
    impossible for me. I am done beating myself up or putting in any kind of
    moral judgment about what I should or should not be able to control.”

I want to spend less time promoting on social media — or just scrolling, let’s
be honest, because that’s how I usually spend time when there to “promote”
— and more time making stuff that’s promotable, that I’m proud of, that makes
this entire enterprise thrive.

4.) Not Posting as Privacy

And privacy as valuable. Our lives don’t have to become others’ cheap food for
consumption. This one bonked me right on the head:

Here’s Hannah Power, [39]on leaving Instagram:

    “….the weird things that have happened as a direct consequence have been,
    well, weird. for instance, I haven’t missed it once. not once! I thought I
    would. I thought I would miss sharing my curated life, my walks through the
    streets of Lisbon, my pics screaming I am on holiday, but I haven’t.
    another weird thing that has come from my absence is loving my absence. I
    didn’t realise that my privacy was luxurious and I was just giving it away
    for free to people and Mark Zuckerberg. I didn’t realise privacy was a
    gift, a privilege even. I didn’t realise how cool it was to be somewhere
    and only you and the person you’re with know it. it was weird that I didn’t
    know this, or had forgotten this - like I was under a spell.

It reminds me of something Freya Moon [40]wrote about the Gen-Z belief that
posting is what makes something “real” — a boyfriend, a vacation, a meal. We
have mistaken others’ recognition of a thing for actual experiencing the thing.
At first, when I left Instagram, I thought (embarrassingly): but how will
people know I’m going skiing, or see all this cozy puzzling, or know that I do
indeed have friends and I hung out with them on New Year’s Eve?

“People” may not know, but I do.

5.) It’s Worth Hanging Out in the FOMO

Over the last fifteen years I’ve watched incredibly talented writers who had
ignored social media with good reason (they liked writing more than posting, 
imagine) get pulled into starting a Twitter, an Instagram, a Facebook page, 
whatever, because a marketing person at their publisher or an agent or someone
they know in the industry convinced them that a social media presence is
essential to a successful book launch. I understand where this wisdom is coming
from, but I don’t buy it. A brand-new social media profile sells nothing. A
Substack with a handful of posts and a listing of upcoming readings does the
same thing as sending a big email to your contacts.

I’m not fool enough to believe that a good book will sell just because it’s
good. But a book sells through connections, and connections — the sort that
make someone say yes of course let’s do a Q&A for your book! — are not
primarily forged or maintained on social media. We take a look at our past and
think of a friend that we made on Twitter or in a Facebook Group and think this
is why I can’t leave! But those platforms don’t do the same thing they used to.
My Instagram account doesn’t sell books. My newsletter — different story.

Plus: what connections are you also missing by allocating so much of your
creative time to social media? What happens when we consider those losses?

I like what comedian Cynthia Girardian [42]wrote about the decision to delete
her Instagram account:

    “….If I started on Instagram at 20 and I am now at the ripe age of 33, that
    means my whole adult life so far, I’ve spent it developing some sort of
    addiction to likes and external validation. And this means I will probably
    suffer from withdrawal syndrome from time to time: sometimes, since being
    off Instagram, I feel disconnected, isolated and lonely….Nothing seems to
    keep me as connected and as chronically online as Instagram and my 12.6K
    followers did, and so the questions remain:

    👽 Am I sabotaging my opportunities?

    👽 Are my friends and acquaintances going to forget about me?

    👽 Am I becoming the weird friend?

    👽 How am I going to establish contact or keep in touch with people / brands
    / potential work gigs from now on?

    👽 How am I going to share with the world the things I do?

    Not to make this my entire personality from now on, but to my own surprise,
    I want to offer some resistance and explore these uncomfortable feelings
    for a while. I am low-key excited, and I am certain that with time and
    space, all these questions will answer themselves.”

In other words: what happens when we reintroduce the friction that social media
smoothed? What’s worthwhile about re-learning some of the connective skills
we’ve lost?

This past Tuesday, I was reading the “What Are You Reading” thread and realized
I’d missed [43]the big investigative piece about Neil Gaiman being an absolute
creeper, which came out the day before. At first, I felt out of touch — and
then I realized 1) I could go read it right then, and it would still have the
same import; and 2) I could and should be more active about just visiting the
websites of the publications I value and love, something I used to do every
single time I opened up the computer. There are so many other ways to use the
internet — some of them from our very recent past.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Many of you have resisted social media altogether. Others have always had a
distant or measured relationship with it — or left when these companies proved,
again and again, that they made you (and others) into a person you didn’t
particularly like, or that the technology itself was so readily manipulated to
serve our worst impulses. But a lot of us are sitting here with lives, both
personal and professional, intertwined with these apps. We’ve sunk so much time
into them; they hold not insignificant chunks of our recent past. We’ve
negotiated misgivings and ambivalence; we’ve crafted complex and simple
justifications to stay.

So what is it about this moment that makes leaving — or significantly
moderating — feel possible? The platforms feel toxic, but they’ve felt toxic
for a while. They’re more toxic and they’re degrading, overridden by brands and
AI. Their utility for connection (the thing that brought us there in the first
place!) has deteriorated to the point of uselessness. The cultural norms of
2005 to 2025 were produced and refined via social media, but the homes we built
there — the understandings of self — feel unwelcoming and alien.

The world, filtered through the apps, is not the world we want for ourselves.
And in many cases, it’s not the actual world we inhabit.

In a recent piece for the New York Times, Ezra Klein [44]argued that this
feeling of discombobulation can be traced to “the unsteady, unpredictable
emergence of a different world.” He’s talking about Trump, of course, and the
anti-democracy politics he aims to ram through — but also AI’s maturing power
and a rapidly warming planet that offers peepholes into an unspeakably hostile
future every month. He concludes the piece with a quote from Antonio Gramsci:
“The old world is dying, and the new world struggles to be born: Now is the
time of monsters.”

Climate monsters, cultural monsters, political monsters. You can’t fight them
by consuming news, or quote-tweet dunking, or sharing a graphic. You can fight
them through connection. Social apps might be the “easiest” place for that to
happen — and by that, I mean it might the place with the least immediate
friction — but that does not make them the place for them to gain and exercise
power. If this is indeed a new world, we need new tactics, new tools, and new
energy. None of which are hiding on Instagram.

I’ve spent the last year oscillating between anger and disenchantment, hope and
disillusionment. I want to break everything but also mend it. At times I want
to hibernate, to turn inward, to fortify what’s mine — but also understand how
vulnerable that will make me to all the challenges to come. How do we relearn
how to talk to one another? To live with each other? To think and act with
creativity and intention? How do we lead the lives we actually want to live,
marked by care and passion?

Dude, I’m working on it! A lot of us are. If someone has an easy answer for
you, they have some sort of privilege that’s allowed them to shield themselves
from the complications of the modern world. What I do know is this: I have a
lot more time to think about these questions, to access empathy and so many
other emotions, to experience the textures of each and every day, since I
started spending less time on the sites where I’m supposed to document them.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

For our discussion today, I don’t want to talk about the reasons why you have
to stay — you don’t need to make the case. Everyone’s dealing with their own
situation in the way that feels right to them. There is still very real utility
in many corners of social media and moving a community off Facebook is not
simple.

Instead: how are you *feeling* about your current use? What would you like to
change? Which argument to stay now feels flimsy *to you*? And do you also feel
like we’re reaching a pivot point, or am I just high off all my new free time?

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Also: as a way of connecting on smaller issues — and sharing pieces I’d usually
share on Instagram or a previous iteration of Twitter — I’ve been playing
around with Substack Chat. Feel free to totally ignore it, or dip in when you
feel like it, whatever feels interesting and generative. It’s very low-key, but
the same guidelines apply there as any other Culture Study comments section.
You can find all chats [45]here.

[46]
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This Week’s Things I Read and Loved (it’s particularly good this week, gotta
say; gift links whenever possible!)

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[9] https://annehelen.substack.com/s/essays/?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=menu
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[13] https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-social-media-sea-change/comments
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[15] https://annehelen.substack.com/p/blake-lively-reshoots-the-end-of
[16] https://annehelen.substack.com/p/leave-before-there-is-nothing-left
[17] https://forms.gle/W7oqLmhbzCQQK2Qw7
[18] https://docs.google.com/forms/d/13kzoMmlmFbDOvYgJsXxuN-nGuXrUtS2vQK37G_GOkfg/edit
[19] https://annehelen.substack.com/subscribe?utm_medium=web&utm_source=subscribe-widget
[20] https://annehelen.substack.com/subscribe
[21] https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-most-beautiful-swim-youve-ever
[22] https://annehelen.substack.com/p/what-are-you-reading-in-november
[23] https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F6bd79790-a88b-487e-a0cf-72bb0cb42422_2310x1298.jpeg
[24] https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2F2efdd416-b066-45f2-934a-8e0edbcb6b3e_1402x1512.png
[25] https://annehelen.substack.com/p/posting-less
[26] https://embedded.substack.com/p/you-might-just-have-to-be-bored?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_reader&triedRedirect=true
[28] https://embedded.substack.com/p/you-might-just-have-to-be-bored?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_reader&triedRedirect=true
[29] https://samkriss.substack.com/p/how-to-live-without-your-phone?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_shared&triedRedirect=true
[30] https://samkriss.substack.com/p/how-to-live-without-your-phone?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_shared&triedRedirect=true
[31] https://samkriss.substack.com/p/how-to-live-without-your-phone?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_shared&triedRedirect=true
[32] https://samkriss.substack.com/p/how-to-live-without-your-phone?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_shared&triedRedirect=true
[33] https://samkriss.substack.com/p/how-to-live-without-your-phone?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_shared&triedRedirect=true
[35] https://samkriss.substack.com/p/how-to-live-without-your-phone?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_shared&triedRedirect=true
[37] https://juliefontes.substack.com/p/how-i-lost-the-plot-after-reuniting?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_reader&triedRedirect=true
[39] https://thisiswhatawitchthinksabout.substack.com/p/things-got-really-weird-when-i-got?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_saves&triedRedirect=true
[40] https://www.freyaindia.co.uk/p/you-dont-need-to-document-everything?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_reader&triedRedirect=true
[42] https://cynthiabague.substack.com/p/so-ive-deleted-my-instagram-accountnow?r=h567&utm_source=pocket_reader&triedRedirect=true
[43] https://www.vulture.com/article/neil-gaiman-allegations-controversy-amanda-palmer-sandman-madoc.html?origSession=D2310056I8C3YDrVCPzJGxNg0nzMmVzcSekwODYkNmemSqkxTw%3D&_gl=1*qshuya*_gcl_aw*R0NMLjE3MzYwNTEzOTkuQ2p3S0NBaUExZU83QmhBVEVpd0FtMEVlLU0wN05BOWJnVGo3c0xNaFcyczRXd1FVZGl3b2lhWTQtdERhejd4c3VzQ3VlLXhzYi1CLUtSb0NoSmNRQXZEX0J3RQ..*FPAU*ODY2Mzc1MDA2LjE3MzYxOTg4MDY.*_ga*NjM4NzE2Mjg5LjE3MDk1OTEyMTA.*_ga_DNE38RK1HX*MTczNzA1NTYyNi41Mi4xLjE3MzcwNTU2MjYuMC4wLjc1NzQ5MDUwNQ..*_fplc*aXFkMnAzdTJGck1wanNUNzJBSjkzWENWWlglMkJWMVpqZFVPVWxFOVNHNjRPYnpyenA0dWJrYzJ2cDlHMXNZeThrVnpuWnJLJTJCREJYS2o1c2dxdnl5UTRYRUJUU09LSmVBdlpYUjJHVklFQWNncEYlMkJNYzYzczBrZkF6UXdqeUlnJTNEJTNE
[44] https://www.nytimes.com/2025/01/12/opinion/ai-climate-change-low-birth-rates.html?unlocked_article_code=1.o04._nFI.9QZM5nFZ7JPi&smid=url-share
[45] https://substack.com/chat/2450
[46] https://open.substack.com/pub/annehelen/chat?utm_source=chat_embed
[49] https://annehelen.substack.com/subscribe?simple=true&next=https%3A%2F%2Fannehelen.substack.com%2Fp%2Fthe-social-media-sea-change&utm_source=paywall&utm_medium=web&utm_content=154775262
[51] https://substack.com/sign-in?redirect=%2Fp%2Fthe-social-media-sea-change&for_pub=annehelen&change_user=false
[54] https://substack.com/privacy
[55] https://substack.com/tos
[56] https://substack.com/ccpa#personal-data-collected
[57] https://substack.com/signup?utm_source=substack&utm_medium=web&utm_content=footer
[58] https://substack.com/app/app-store-redirect?utm_campaign=app-marketing&utm_content=web-footer-button
[59] https://substack.com/
[61] https://enable-javascript.com/