commit e889fee717468348f8921b3d1d667e565a8b44b8
parent 31595b4248049ecd70a9620c36ddcf120d5ba885
Author: David Eisinger <[email protected]>
Date: Wed, 17 Apr 2024 16:42:31 -0400
start may dispatch
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diff --git a/content/journal/dispatch-15-may-2024/index.md b/content/journal/dispatch-15-may-2024/index.md
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+---
+title: "Dispatch #15 (May 2024)"
+date: 2024-04-17T16:38:58-04:00
+draft: false
+tags:
+- dispatch
+references:
+- title: "The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids - The Atlantic"
+ url: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/
+ date: 2024-04-17T20:38:00Z
+ file: www-theatlantic-com-jyxibm.txt
+- title: "Opinion | Parents Can Counter the World’s Cruelty With Joy - The New York Times"
+ url: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/16/opinion/parenting-mistakes-joy.html
+ date: 2024-04-17T20:41:40Z
+ file: www-nytimes-com-kh2ijc.txt
+---
+
+Some thoughts here...
+
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diff --git a/static/archive/www-nytimes-com-kh2ijc.txt b/static/archive/www-nytimes-com-kh2ijc.txt
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+[4]Today’s Paper
+[5]Opinion|One Thing Parents Can Control
+[6][7]
+https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/16/opinion/parenting-mistakes-joy.html
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+One Thing Parents Can Control
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+April 16, 2024
+An illustration that shows a silhouette of a parent holding a child’s hand.
+there are two-dimentional butterflies flying around them.
+Credit...Gabriel Zimmer Studio
+
+ • Share full article
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+ • [29]277
+
+[30]Esau McCaulley
+
+By [31]Esau McCaulley
+
+Contributing Opinion Writer
+
+My father was a long-haul truck driver. He piloted one of those
+eighteen-wheelers that had a horn that could raise the dead. As a kid I longed
+to join him on his journeys and discover something of the world beyond
+Huntsville, Ala., where we lived.
+
+Despite his numerous promises, he never took me along. That failure, and the
+addictions of his that defined much of my childhood, gave me an education of a
+different sort. I learned that the world could be cruel and disappointing.
+
+Now that I am a father, I struggle with how much of that hard world to reveal
+to my sons and daughters. I recognize the privilege in even considering this.
+Parents of children in Gaza and Ukraine do not have the luxury of deciding
+whether to tell their young ones of evils done and all the good left undone.
+Bombs descending from above indifferent to the innocence of youth have become
+their instructors.
+
+I believe that we all have a moral duty not to turn away from such suffering.
+During dinner my family and I have talked and prayed about war, poverty, racism
+and injustice. My hope is that if we instill a sense of empathy in our
+children, they might create a better world than the one we have made.
+
+It is not just the global upheaval that gives me pause. It is my own mistakes.
+Not one of us escapes those high-pressure early years of parenthood unscathed.
+There are always words that we wish that we could unsay, decisions made that we
+would reconsider if time ran backward. What unfulfilled promise will haunt my
+children? What will they have to forgive?
+
+Childhood memories rush upon us awakened by a smell or a song or certain times
+of year. The scent of fried chicken takes me back to my grandmother’s house. I
+can almost hear the crunch it made when I took a bite. Every time I pass an
+eighteen-wheeler on the Interstate, I remember my father. Fall reminds me of
+the anxiety I felt when I knew that I had to go back to school without any new
+outfits or shoes, hoping I wouldn’t be mocked. I am 44 years old, and I still
+remember the hard thumps in my chest.
+
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+[24] https://www.nytimes.com/section/opinion
+[25] https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/16/opinion/parenting-mistakes-joy.html#after-sponsor
+[29] https://www.nytimes.com/2024/04/16/opinion/parenting-mistakes-joy.html
+[30] https://www.nytimes.com/by/esau-mccaulley
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+[50]More From How to Build a Life
+
+More From How to Build a Life
+
+[51]Explore This Series
+
+ • [52]An illustration showing a man examining five pillars of happiness.
+
+ Jung’s Five Pillars of a Good Life
+
+ [53]Arthur C. Brooks
+ • [54]An illustration of a father fishing with his son
+
+ The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids
+
+ [55]Arthur C. Brooks
+ • [56]A group of people waiting in line
+
+ How Not to Be Bored When You Have to Wait
+
+ [57]Arthur C. Brooks
+ • [58]A person sitting on their own at the end of a "string telephone"
+
+ Whatever You Do, Don’t Do the Silent Treatment
+
+ [59]Arthur C. Brooks
+
+[60]Ideas
+
+The One Big Thing You Can Do for Your Kids
+
+The research shows that you probably have less effect on your kids than you
+think—with one major exception: Your love will make them happy.
+
+
+By [61]Arthur C. Brooks
+An illustration of a father fishing with his son
+Illustration by Jan Buchczik
+April 4, 2024
+Share
+Save
+
+Want to stay current with Arthur’s writing? [64]Sign up to get an email every
+time a new column comes out.
+
+When one of my now-adult kids was in middle school, I had a small epiphany
+about parenting. I had been haranguing him constantly about his homework and
+grades, which were indeed a problem. One night, after an especially bad day, I
+was taking stock of the situation, and came to a realization: I didn’t actually
+care very much about his grades. What I wanted was for him to grow up to become
+a responsible, ethical, faithful, well-adjusted man. From that day forward, I
+stopped talking about his grades and started talking about values. It was a
+relief for both of us.
+
+But then I got to wondering: If bugging him about grades didn’t change
+anything, why would talking about values make a difference? Did it really
+matter what I said about anything?
+
+If you have children—or plan to have them—you probably share my concerns.
+According to a survey last year by the [65]Pew Research Center, the No. 1
+desire of parents for their children (which 94 percent of those surveyed say is
+extremely or very important) is that their kids turn out to be honest and
+ethical. Meanwhile, the No. 1 worry (which 76 percent of parents said was
+extremely-to-somewhat worrisome) is that their kids might struggle with
+depression or anxiety. In short, we want them above all to be good and happy
+people.
+
+But just wanting these things isn’t enough. How do we achieve these goals? This
+question is at least as ancient as human civilization. Should we talk about
+these things with our children a lot, or not? Be strict with them, or lax? Or
+perhaps everything is genetics anyway, so maybe we should just hope and pray
+for the best. Fortunately, recent research has offered ways to help answer some
+of these difficult questions—and make us better parents.
+
+[66]Arthur C. Brooks: The happy art of grandparenting
+
+A foundational question about raising children revolves around nature versus
+nurture: how much of a child’s development is due to their genes rather than
+their upbringing. When I was a child, nurture theories had the upper hand. The
+common belief was that kids are a blank slate, or are nearly so, and that
+parenting is what really matters to mold who they will become as adults.
+Latterly, however, this view has been turned upside down, after study upon
+study has shown that a huge amount of personality is biological and inherited.
+For example, one 1996 study involving 123 pairs of identical twins (who share
+100 percent of their genes) and 127 pairs of fraternal twins (who, like any
+other pair of siblings, share about 50 percent)[67] estimated that 41 percent
+of neuroticism may be inherited, as well as 53 percent of extroversion, 61
+percent of openness to experience, 41 percent of agreeableness, and 44 percent
+of conscientiousness.
+
+You might be thinking that parenting may make up the other half or so, but
+that’s not seemingly the case. Researchers in 2021 examined over time the
+correlation between the personality traits of progeny and parenting measures,
+and [68]found that, in most aspects, parenting mattered about as much as birth
+order—which is to say, its effect was little to none.
+
+The exceptions were in two dimensions of personality: conscientiousness and
+agreeableness. Children were more conscientious when parents were more involved
+in their lives and worked to provide cultural stimulation (such as taking them
+to museums); and children were more agreeable when their parents raised them
+with more structure and goals.
+
+Genetics also matter a great deal for children’s happiness. One study of
+fraternal and identical twins found that the genetic component discernible from
+analyzing the subjects’ various self-reported ratings of personality traits and
+life satisfaction was about [69]31 percent. In contrast with the possibly
+limited influence of parenting style on most personality traits, however,
+parental behavior does appear to significantly affect the roughly half of
+children’s happiness that may not be genetically determined. Specifically, one
+factor—parental warmth and affection, with slightly more weight to that of
+fathers—has been [70]shown to make up about a third of “psychological
+adjustment” differences in their children, a holistic measure that includes
+markers of happiness.
+
+Parenting involves both words and actions. Even if parents like to say to their
+children, usually with little effect, “Do what I say,” most parents come to
+notice that kids pay attention to everything their parents do, rather than what
+they say. And research backs up the idea that actions speak louder than words.
+For example, a 2001 study of parental religiosity among Catholics found that
+the behavior of a father (even more than the mother) who acts upon faith and is
+practicing will most [71]affect the likelihood of his children growing up to be
+religious as well. Similarly, an investigation of substance use among
+adolescents [72]discovered that among those who had tried alcohol, tobacco, or
+other drugs, 80 percent said their parents would say they disapproved of their
+teenager’s behavior, but 100 percent did not say explicitly that their parents
+abstained from substances—suggesting that these children likely had at least
+one parent who used them to a lesser or greater extent.
+
+[73]Listen: The right choices in parenting
+
+This tour through the research provides a set of parenting rules to act
+upon—one that I could very much have used when my kids were little. Better late
+than never, and I can still try to follow these rules now that I am a [74]
+grandfather. Try them out and see if they make parenting easier and better for
+you. If your goal is virtue and happiness for your kids, keep these three
+things in mind.
+
+1. Even a hot mess can be a good parent.
+It is easy to despair at being a parent—or to give yourself a pass—if you
+struggle with your own happiness or with a troublesome personality. I have
+heard many young adults say they’re afraid to have kids because they don’t want
+to pass on their own problems. True, much of your personality is transmitted to
+your offspring without your volition. As noted above, you may not be able to do
+much about their degree of extroversion, which seems largely a genetic given.
+But when it comes to conscientiousness and agreeableness (which, again, are
+what we really want for our children), parenting choices to be involved in
+their lives, and provide structure and goals, make a significant difference.
+And parenting does have a huge impact on their happiness.
+
+2. When you don’t know what to do, be warm and loving.
+For happiness, the parenting technique that truly matters is warmth and
+affection. As my wife used to say when we were at wit’s end with our son, “I
+guess we should just love him.” This might sound like a hippie recipe for
+disaster, but it isn’t. Your kids don’t need a drill sergeant, Santa Claus, or
+a helicopter mom; they need someone who loves them unconditionally, and shows
+it even when the brats deserve it the least. Especially when they’re at their
+most brattish. Remember: That is what they will remember and give to your
+grandchildren (who will never be brats) when they themselves become parents.
+
+3. Be the person you want your kids to become.
+The data don’t lie, but as parents we do. Kids—who are walking
+BS-detectors—always notice when we say one thing and do another. Of course,
+deciding how to act to create the right example for them to follow isn’t always
+easy. A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself how you’d like your son or
+daughter to behave as an adult in a given situation—and then do that yourself.
+When you’re driving and get cut off in traffic, you would like it not to bother
+them—so don’t let them see it bothering you. You would prefer they don’t get
+drunk, so don’t drink too much yourself. You’d like them to be generous to
+others, so be generous too.
+
+[75]Arthur C. Brooks: Don’t teach your kids to fear the world
+
+For young and future parents reading this, one last note: You will make a lot
+of mistakes, but mostly they won’t matter. I can think of my selfishness and
+blunders as a father, and on some sleepless nights the instances roll around in
+my head and fill me with regret. But then I look at my son. So how did all my
+hectoring about grades and values work out?
+
+He [76]skipped college and joined the U.S. Marine Corps, in which he spent four
+years as a mortarman and sniper. Now 23, he is happily married and works in a
+job he loves as a manager at a construction company. He won’t see this column
+because, well, he doesn’t have time to read my stuff. But he loves me and I
+love him; we talk every single day; and despite all of my missteps, he turned
+out just fine. And most likely, so will your child.
+
+
+Arthur Brooks is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and the host of the How
+to Build a Happy Life podcast.
+
+
+References:
+
+[1] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/#main-content
+[2] https://www.theatlantic.com/
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+[52] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/carl-jung-pillars-life-happiness/678009/
+[53] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
+[54] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/parenting-anxiety-happiness-children/677960/
+[55] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
+[56] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/waiting-boredom-frustration-strategies/677767/
+[57] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
+[58] https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/03/silent-treatment-ostracism-pain-relationships/677746/
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+[61] https://www.theatlantic.com/author/arthur-c-brooks/
+[64] https://www.theatlantic.com/newsletters/sign-up/how-to-build-a-life/
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